I need to understand something and I don't know if anyone will be able to help. I have had a drinking problem, and yay, people hammered on it as a disfunction of me. And then I got sober and no one even wanted to know what my issues were. Everytime I relapse, I'm the devil.
My biggest question at this moment is: Why do I have to give everything and no one else tries to listen to me????? Life does not work like this, and I can live without them.
I really want to say Fuck you to the cunts who think they know it all. You will suffer and realise I am not to blame for it all.
Get a freaking life.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Boast of Quietness - Jorge Luis Borges
Writings of light assault the darkness, more prodigious than meteors.
The tall unknowable city takes over the countryside.
Sure of my life and my death, I observe the ambitious and would like to understand them.
Their day is greedy as a lariat in the air.
Their night is a rest from the rage within steel, quick to attack.
They speak of humanity.
My humanity is in feeling we are all voices of the same poverty.
They speak of homeland.
My homeland is in the rhythm of a guitar, a few portraits, an old sword, the willow grove's visible prayer as evening falls.
Time is living me.
More silent than my shadow, I pass through the loftily covetous multitude.
They are indispensible, singular, worthy of tommorrow.
My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn't expect to arrive.
The tall unknowable city takes over the countryside.
Sure of my life and my death, I observe the ambitious and would like to understand them.
Their day is greedy as a lariat in the air.
Their night is a rest from the rage within steel, quick to attack.
They speak of humanity.
My humanity is in feeling we are all voices of the same poverty.
They speak of homeland.
My homeland is in the rhythm of a guitar, a few portraits, an old sword, the willow grove's visible prayer as evening falls.
Time is living me.
More silent than my shadow, I pass through the loftily covetous multitude.
They are indispensible, singular, worthy of tommorrow.
My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn't expect to arrive.
Dreams on a moonbeam
when the moon went sickle,
I saw you lying in her safety.
It was only a glimpse, but I knew you cared.
If only you were here. If only the moonbeams could carry you down.
But alas, you live by the silver light. Only a touch away.
My soulmate, my friend.
Only you give me strength.
Your name is hope, your name is love.
Your name is the future. But above all, your name is hope.
And I have to succumb, your name is faith.
I saw you lying in her safety.
It was only a glimpse, but I knew you cared.
If only you were here. If only the moonbeams could carry you down.
But alas, you live by the silver light. Only a touch away.
My soulmate, my friend.
Only you give me strength.
Your name is hope, your name is love.
Your name is the future. But above all, your name is hope.
And I have to succumb, your name is faith.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I don't understand anymore
As I was walking to work this morning I realised that despite everyone else says, I have made progress. I saw two ex colleagues the other day, and they really thought I looked much better.
I still tend to completely fall off the wagon now and again, but if I reflect back a year, this is NOTHONG!!
It would be soooo great if at least someone out there saw it, but all they do is criticize and tell me how selfish I am. Dear god it sucks. At least I have some new people in my life, and they don't really know my history, but this is where the positive change comes in again. Now when I drink, I don't get angry at them, only when its not true, and finally I take on my own responsibility for my actions.
All I can say is WOW. And bedamn the rest if they think I should be like them.
Adios
I still tend to completely fall off the wagon now and again, but if I reflect back a year, this is NOTHONG!!
It would be soooo great if at least someone out there saw it, but all they do is criticize and tell me how selfish I am. Dear god it sucks. At least I have some new people in my life, and they don't really know my history, but this is where the positive change comes in again. Now when I drink, I don't get angry at them, only when its not true, and finally I take on my own responsibility for my actions.
All I can say is WOW. And bedamn the rest if they think I should be like them.
Adios
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The current state of affairs
So, I am getting a little more positive. Nothing is really in place in my life but I am feeling better. I have a little list in my head of things that I desperately need to do. Number one on this list is that I cannot leave Windhoek before the end of the year. I have registered for my last subjects and I need to pass them with good marks and moving somewhere else will not benefit this.
I also desperately need to get a job for this time to pay off all my debt as well as save money to move to SA. This is probably the most difficult part. Getting a job is not the easiest of things these days. I konw I work hard and well, but damn, I get so bored!! And I have a tendency to completely fuck up all the good things in my life. I know the reasons behind this, but at my age it is VERY difficult to completely change your outlook on life and change your actions accordingly.
Haha, I started excercising as well. Now this is funny. My first week was great, but come the second week, I seem to have lost all energy. OK, I still go through it, but man oh man, its difficult. Ah, the rewards at the end will make it worthwile, but everything else looks so much better than the treadmill.
I've also lost a couple of friends, got some old ones back, and made some brand new ones. I must say, realisticly, the friends I've lost I'm better off without. But me, being hyper sensitive, will always feel guilty, just like I feel guilty when someone else is in a bad mood. Then I wonder what I have done wrong!! Even though I know I'm innocent. Aahh, well, the story of my dreadfully boring life.
I still can't figure out why I have all these great ideas but I cannot seem to start or follow through on them. Laziness??? Or am I so scared of success or being really good at something? Yay, the low self esteem peeking out there.
I also have to go for a follow up with the psychologists for a week. Now that is something I'm actually looking forward to. I just need to settle the date, since my bro is coming for a visit, and I suppose it will look bad if I'm not at home when he's here.
Anyhoo and anyhow, thats it in a nutshell.
I also desperately need to get a job for this time to pay off all my debt as well as save money to move to SA. This is probably the most difficult part. Getting a job is not the easiest of things these days. I konw I work hard and well, but damn, I get so bored!! And I have a tendency to completely fuck up all the good things in my life. I know the reasons behind this, but at my age it is VERY difficult to completely change your outlook on life and change your actions accordingly.
Haha, I started excercising as well. Now this is funny. My first week was great, but come the second week, I seem to have lost all energy. OK, I still go through it, but man oh man, its difficult. Ah, the rewards at the end will make it worthwile, but everything else looks so much better than the treadmill.
I've also lost a couple of friends, got some old ones back, and made some brand new ones. I must say, realisticly, the friends I've lost I'm better off without. But me, being hyper sensitive, will always feel guilty, just like I feel guilty when someone else is in a bad mood. Then I wonder what I have done wrong!! Even though I know I'm innocent. Aahh, well, the story of my dreadfully boring life.
I still can't figure out why I have all these great ideas but I cannot seem to start or follow through on them. Laziness??? Or am I so scared of success or being really good at something? Yay, the low self esteem peeking out there.
I also have to go for a follow up with the psychologists for a week. Now that is something I'm actually looking forward to. I just need to settle the date, since my bro is coming for a visit, and I suppose it will look bad if I'm not at home when he's here.
Anyhoo and anyhow, thats it in a nutshell.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
JUST A NOTE
Finally found a temp job for me to actually do something for a while. Hanging around the house just got toooo boring. My life in a nutshell is basically the same. no major events or epiphanies. Unfortunately.
Been having strange dreams lately, not the acid type though, otherwise I could probably become another Salvador Dali. Now that would be a great career. Mind you, I think my soul is almost tortured enough to get onto that level Or maybe its just an exaggerated form of self-pity. Don't know. Don't want to explore too much, I really don't want to face those demons at the moment.
As I mentioned, nothing really amazing has happened to me lately, so this will be sayonara for now. Hehe, until major depression sinks in again!!
Been having strange dreams lately, not the acid type though, otherwise I could probably become another Salvador Dali. Now that would be a great career. Mind you, I think my soul is almost tortured enough to get onto that level Or maybe its just an exaggerated form of self-pity. Don't know. Don't want to explore too much, I really don't want to face those demons at the moment.
As I mentioned, nothing really amazing has happened to me lately, so this will be sayonara for now. Hehe, until major depression sinks in again!!
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