A grown up child

So it has happened that another year has gone. All was fine until this morning. I woke up utterly sad and desolated. I felt like the loneliest person on this planet. Wish I could just disappear. Strangely enough I didn't want to drink or get drunk, neither did I want to harm myself or commit suicide. I just wanted to disappear. It was a feeling of no one would notice or care if I was gone. I know this sounds utterly selfish and laced with self pity. And for the life of me, I don't know why I felt like that. Or maybe I do. At the meeting last night everyone had awesome stuff to share. And I said the most benign crap. I open a little and start trusting, then something happens and I pull back. I make friends, I'm there for them, but maybe I don't trust them enough, so they never come back to me. So, here I am, on my little island. Feeling like I never want to go back to an AA meeting again, which is a scary and very dangerous thing for me. All I want to do is cry and pull the duvet over my head, pretending nothing and no one exists. I have this fist around my heart the whole time, clenching my stomach too. My poor folks probably think I'm in a terrible mood. Oh, God. I don't know. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of seeing happy people. I'm tired of seeing my friends getting married and having kids. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. It does not feel as if my life has any meaning what so ever. Or that I mean anything to anyone except my parents. I just want this to go away.