And now what?????????

OK, I'm back, and no, I did not even get close to writing any of my thoughts down. I did, however, manage to almost get myself back in rehab, have friends who want to commit suicide, and realised, probably for the first time in my life, what real love is. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH, dear God I hope he never reads this, but then again, real love is not trying to change someone, not trying to rule their life, not trying to manipulate them, being honest, etc, blahdeblah...and we have that. I seriously don't think that he feels about me like I feel about him, but that's ok.

I LOVE HIM ANYWAY, MY FRIEND, MY HEART.

Shit, must remember never to give this website address out to him!!

Anyhow, and whoopdidoo, I am under serious stress at work, but am dealing with it not too badly. Jumped off the wagon enough times now, but dealing with that as well. As long as people don't judge, I'm fine, but I'm a good one to talk, I'm extremely judgemental, trying to change though...

Gotta go,

Luv ya all,

Have a pleasant ??

Sabbatical

I'm gonna be disappearing from the blogging for a while to do some introspection. I need to sort out what's going on with me by myself (will be writing a journal on paper though).

For those of you who log in regularly, leave comments (not anonomously)so I can contact you. For those of you on facebook, you can look up my phone number or email address, and for my friends, you've got them. You can contact me if you wish, but I'm giving up on trying to be everything for everyone and finding out who the hell I am.

A MANY TENTACLED MONSTER

I have realised (again) that the tentacles of addiction look good from a distance, are sneaky and once it has gotten hold of you, it does not want to let go. It causes distrust, alienation and a stream of other negatives with the promise of feeling good for a while. The next is worse, the guilt, the sadness, the self-hatred and self-doubt want to consume you to a point where the only escape you can think of presents itself in a bottle.

I desperately need to get out of these clutches. I am doing an extremely good job of fucking everything up that I have worked so hard to build up again.

I feel like I am in a dark alley, no way out, and I have trouble seeing the world as it is.

Anyone out there, please think of me and pray for me. I need more than I am willing to admit even to myself.

Destruction

My God, I really don't know why I always have to try and destroy all the good and positive in my life. If any of my friends who I have hurt through my selfish and immature behaviour read this, I am truly sorry.

I am trying to find my way, but sometimes it is just too damn hard or to dark.

I will prevail, and I will win this fight. Please don't abandon me, even though you have the best reason to.