PERSPECTIVE

I plead temporary insanity. What on earth was I thinking falling for a doctor? I don't like sciency people, give me artists anytime. Musicians especially! His looks weren't even my taste. The only things I know of that we had in common was taste in books! My god, I was stupid and ignorant. I knew in my heart that most of what was said was half-truths or maybe even full-out lies, but its my own fault for not listening to myself. The first male who is nice to me and I fall for it and him!! For fucks sake...I used to be better than that.

Anyhoo and anyhow, it is (THANK CHRIST) all over now. Finally, forever.

I sound really negative and harsh, which is not what is meant by this...just that it was wrong for me (and probably of me). But I do plead the insanity thing. And no, he is probably not a shitty person, please note the probably. I can't say that I actually know him at all, and if it wasn't for the fact that we met in rehab, I don't think he is the type of person I would ever meet.

Nothing to add.

GO AWAY

God, I am so sick of all this, especially myself. Why, oh why, can I not just let go. When people fuck you around, you throw them out of your life, no, not me, I give them chance after chance after chance. What on earth is it with me, I've always been like this. This fucking stupid sense that if you keep on trying things will get fixed. Maybe other people don't want to fix them, but for fuck's sakes, I do!! I want closure, I want peace, I want stability.

Another thing about me that seriously pisses me off is this whole survival mission. Can't I just give it all up, go out, get horrendously drunk, shag some stranger who I'll never want to see again, commit suicide, end it all...noooooo, I have to have this fucking instinct for survival. Knowing that when I drink again, it will end up in my death (even if only emotionally), I can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to take that overdose, buy the minora blades. It clashes with all I am. I hate it. Can't it just get easier. Fuck man, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.

Ok, ok, a bit melodramatic, but still, this is what I feel like right now. It seems I'm just living, and struggling everyday to keep my head above water to keep from drowning, but I carry on.

Now there is a theory that states that the above has to do with hope. I would really appreciate it if someone could let me know what the fuck I am hoping for. I don't know. I just hate myself at this moment. I keep on lashing out to people who hurt me, using trusty old sarcasm as a defence mechanism (hahaha - not working). I want my walls that surrounded my feelings and kept people out back. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I don't want my life anymore....

He wishes for the cloths of Heaven

My favourite poem...

Had I the Heavens' embroidered cloths;
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night, light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your fett,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- William Butler Yeats

FEAR

I scream inside for you to notice me, but you look past me at other people. I run from you because I'm scared to run to you, that you might reject me, or maybe, accept me. I want you but I don't know what I want. I like you but I don't know my preferences. I need you, or do I really? I need you to make me feel loved. But what does that mean? What do I do to get it? And then, after that? I don't know. I ponder, I think, I run and hide and still don't know.

Forever circling around my own feelings and doubts. Fearing facing them. The fear drives me away from you. You smell the fear, turn away and seek someone else who doesn't fear as much. Or do you really?

Am I just imagining or is it real? Is it there? Are you there?

Do you know what I feel? Can you see the emotion etched out in my eyes? Can you see through my masks and walls? Is my mask protecting me at all or is it just a flimsy excuse to hide.

I don't have the answers, you don't seem to either. I just know I want you. And I will sit still and watch as you sweep another off her feet whilst wishing it was me. I'll pretend to hate you both, but I'll hate only me. And still, I'll want you.

Do you know, or even care? I want you to want me. I need to feel wanted and loved. Does anybody know that I scream inside, that I cry, that I hurt? Sometimes it feels as if my heart is being physically torn from my chest. The pain just sits there and I feel like a glass shattering into a thousand fragments in slow motion. I haven't found the superglue yet and the glassmaker can't make me over. All he can do is put the pieces back together, each in the right place with scars running everywhere I was broken. It will take a lifetime and longer. In the end it will resemble a glass, but imperfect and incomplete.

Do you know how you hurt me? Worse, how you make me hurt me, make me hate me? I don't hate you. I want to know who you are, still. Still I care.

Am I an idiot, a fool? You tell me.

Double-edged sword

Frustrated and lonely, but not alone
She sits and smokes and wonders...
Where is he? What is he doing? Is he thinking of her, or someone else?
Does he care or is she just a distraction?
Would he stay out of reach forever or be close enough one day to hold?
She doesn't know, she misses him, thinks of him, wants him.

She dreams of him, can feel him touching her, kissing her.
Her bed has space for him. She is infatuated, intoxicated by the idea of him.

She tries to break free of these feelings, can't, she knows she'll be good for him.
All she wants is for him to care, but she doubts he ever will.

Does he notice her as a woman? A being needing care and love? A being not to be used as a toy?
She thinks not.

She still sits there, lights another cigarette, imagines him there.
Will she ever tell him? She is scared.

She sees signs, wonders if they're real. Did she imagine? Is he playing games?
Maybe if she asks she'll know.
She did.
He didn't answer.
She still wonders, even more scared now.

What if the next one is the same.
Should she get close again.
She thinks not, they never tell the truth, they lie, they steal your heart, your dignity.
They bring you pain and fear. Ever presiding fear.
She wants to hate him. Can't. Not allowed to love him.
What now?

Lost friendships and the whole shebang

Well, it seems I have not been forgiven and I have lost the opportunity of having another friend. Maybe I should not see it so negatively, he lost the opportunity of having another friend. It is strange, I was thinking about it this morning, how I tend to sometimes push people away with my high expectations or what have you. I have never really gotten any feedback on this so I only have my own ideas to go on, no objective information.

Oh, well...Fortunately I don't hold grudges and stay angry for long and I am very forgiving, maybe too much so. And then, everybody has their set of problems, we just deal differently.

This will be it for now, had so much to say earlier, but forgot it all on the way to work!!

THE MISSING LINK

Today was a weird day. On the one hand everything was great, but on the other hand I have a feeling that there is something missing. No, not a man in my life, something else. I can't put my finger on it. I am glad, however, that I have regained a measure of self-worth. I realised that it is not worth it falling for just anyone, I deserve more. I have so much to give, and it is not to be wasted on someone who does not want it or who will only misuse it.

I also think I only fell for the fellar because he made me feel special and wanted while I was in rehab. It has been so long since I have felt like that, I can't even remember when. And being in rehab is such a vulnerable period anyway.

Thank god v-day is almost over. Nothing spectacular happened. As if...

Not much else to say at the moment. Worried about other people, not myself, for a change.

FOOLS RUSH IN

This serves as an apology. Hopefully the right person will end up reading it.

I am a fool, for I do rush in where angels fear to tread. Instead of dealing with my own life and my own problems, I obsessed about something and someone out of reach. This not only hampered me on the road to recovery, but also set me back a couple of paces. I ended up falling into my old behaviour and thought patterns again, which was the thing that drove me to alcohol in the first place. This had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault. I am the one building castles in the sky, living outside reality, and refusing to take responsibility for my life. I am truly sorry if I ended up hurting you in this process of growing up.

I know you are going through your own trainload of emotional drama currently and the only thing I ended up being was the truly self-centred addict who can't see beyond their own agenda.

I will still be lonely, but that is my problem, I was grasping at the first thing available anyway. Not that you are not a great person, but I cannot even honestly think of a relationship at this moment. I am way to emotionally unstable. I also think my medication had an impact, but its not worth it going there. It will only look like I am once again trying to shift the blame.

I hope you can forgive me, and when you are well on your feet again, and if you want to, you are still welcome to come and visit. I hope I haven't completely fucked up our friendship. You are welcome to contact me. I am not going to contact you. I'm not going to play with friendship rejection, thats even worse than relationship-wise.

There is so must more I want to say, but then I will never end. Sorry for the melodramatics and diva behaviour.

And I do miss you. You are one of the few who I can really joke with!!

GRRRRRR

Ha, gone from feeling utterly sorry for myself to completely pissed off. Stress is a wonderful thing, it makes you forget about all the other crap going on. Still lonely, still dreading St. Vals, but hey, enough people in the office who completely agree with me, so I guess we will don in black on Thursday. Hahaha. The lovely little gay monster working with me will not be happy, but that's his problem. Not my problem he only goes for men with model looks and money. But what should I say, I only go for emotional fuckwits. Birds of a feather......

Anyhoooo. Pondering this concept that people have that once you've been to rehab everything should be sunny and rosy in your life. My dad cannot understand why I need to relax after a really stressful day. No use trying to explain...he is male after all. It is exactly like having a conversation with a brick wall, sounds like someone I know and am trying to forget...

Must admit, a lot of the so-called friends who really wanted this rehab thing act the same. They don't realise that problems stay there, the coping-mechanisms just change, if you can find them (I'm still looking, by the way).

This is such a nice change from the melodramatics of lost love and blahdeblahblahblah. Trust me, those feelings will probably surface again, but hopefully in a lesser degree. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack, but its just the stress in my shoulders. Need a massage. Maybe I should treat myself for the red-hearted day. Still looking for the perfect set of underwear for meself, to knock my vibrator's socks off.

Think this will be it for now, gotta go to AA, maybe come back depro and sob my little heart made of stone out onto these pages!!

Feelings and honesty

One of the people in AA always stresses that the one thing she is most grateful for in her sobriety is having feelings again. I'm not too sure about that one for myself. I feel like I was much safer when I was still hiding them away. They cause me too much pain and confusion. I have no idea what to do with it. Its a freaky place to be, and I can't share it with anyone, since the majority of people immediately assume I will go out drinking again and then I am watched like a hawk. I hope this gets easier as time goes by.

The honesty thing also freaks me out, especially if its one-sided. I have this really nice "friend" who wanted me to be honest with him, so I was, spilling my guts about my life, my ups and downs, my emotions. He never shared. I accidently fell in love with the fucker, just to make my life sooooo much easier, and yes, you guessed, nothing. I was thinking about this whole scenario tonight, and I think he is manipulating this whole thing. I mean, here you have someone who absolutely adores you, who shares everything and all you do is sit there. Ain't life grand. Men are such bastards. And its their own fault we think so. If they want us to be honest, they should be too, and no sugar coating of the truth. I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, no frilly, disguised words so as not to hurt us. In the end that causes more harm than good.

I feel like screaming "what the fuck is up with this whole life thing anyway!!!". But no, you must not think of suicide. Why the hell not??? Its a sure as hell better option than living sometimes.

Anyway, this is getting way too morbid, even for my liking.

Valentine's day and love

With the dreaded St. Val's day creeping up on me, the love side of life is looking dreadfully bleak. I don't know what is wrong with me. Do I just generally fall in love with people who are completeley unattainable, or am I so undesirable that no one wants me. Is it so wrong to want to be loved and cherished? Apparently. I'm so sick of it all. This whole cycle of being used by people, and every now and again, when you just might need them, behold, they are not available. No sirree, you are not a priority, you never were, and I doubt that I ever will be.

So fuck it, then people are shocked if I wonder if life is worthwile. How dare I question it all!! I have to look around and see all the great blessings I have in my life. Yeah, I do see them, I appreciate them, but God knows, they don't fill the loneliness.

I probably fuck up my own life. I mean, for crying out loud, who will want to end up with someone who thinks like me. Someone who ACTUALLY cares. I've been feeling like this for a long time now. I used to drink it away, but can't anymore. Now I'm considering cutting myself, but realised it is just another addiction. So now what. Don't know which way to go.

Thank goodness not everyday feels like this, but pretty much the majority. The looming question is really just what on earth is wrong with me. Why can I not also find the happiness I want. I must be one ugly, fat and screwed up wench. It has not been proven elsewise, so maybe, for now, I'll stick with this explanation. Why not just throw in stupid as well for good measure!!

Maybe pouring my heart out will get the negativity out, but I don't know. Frankly, sometimes I think I don't even care, but that is not at all true.