The unmentally well

OK, had to quote Keni on that one, hope he doesn't mind. Well, pic uploaded, and no, I'm not joking, that is what the psychothrapeutic centre in the middle of nowhere looks like.

I actually miss it, since its way safer there than in the real world. I've been having a tough time of it lately. I gets these images and thoughts about stuff that happened in the past and then suddenly I can't breathe or concentrate on anything, like a major panic attack. Afterwards I'm completely wrecked with guilt. I don't really understand it because if I think about the events rationally they are not that bad, nothing out of the ordinary. I just don't know where all this guilt is coming from.

I've been trying to run away from myself again. Sometimes I just feel like I can't cope with life, even though there is nothing happening in mine at the moment. Thank God, no suicide thoughts for more than a month now. Just not any good thoughts about living either. I can't picture my future, where I want to be, not even for next year. I know I need a job, but I'm not too bothered about that.

I'm not even gonna try to answer myself on these issues. I know I have to keep busy, doing constructive things, and I have amazing ideas of stuff to do in the garden and with my furniture (no it does not involve a chainsaw or wrecking ball) but I can't seem to get myself to even get started on it.

Apparently I'm suffering from major depressive disorder with high anxiety (with a little agoraphobia thrown in for good measure) and I could be borderline bipolar. This sorta makes me feel better, because at least it gives me an scientific explanation as to why these things are going on in my mind, but it doesn't solve them. Haha, it would probably help if I stop discontinuing my anti depressants all time. I don't make sense to myself, but hey, I don't make sense to anyone.

I have suddenly run out of thoughts. If I get any major epiphanies later on, I'll share them.

Ciao

And the Peppermints are loose

Well, I'm out of the so-called looney bin. Was educational to say the least. If I ever have to advise someone to seek professional help to search for themselves, this is a place I will recommend. Way better than rehab!! On a farm, in the middle of nowhere in Namibia, living in bungalows, seeing some wildlife (really, only some in my case, if a tame Eland counts, and don't forget the squirrels and the franklins). Good place to reflect and no feeling of a hospital!

But now I've realised that I am shit scared of people. I know all the general answers that if you don't open yourself to be able to trust again, nothing good will happen, but man oh man, that is really difficult. Not that I can't say I'm not trying. Or maybe I'm still just too scared of myself. Whaa, don't want to go into this too much, freaks my mind out, and I'm still trying to get in touch with reality, she's a bitch.

I will however, add some photo's!! And as soon as I feel more able to get my thoughts out of my head, I will write a more comprehensible entry.

Another day, another dollar

And whoopdidoo, it is finally Friday. Time to relax, or not...have to finish my friend's tax return, but then...sweet sleep times two or more. Dear God, I wish it was the end of October already. Really need to get out of here. Can't wait to move and naturally, half the people think I'm crazy, the other half wish they were me. As it happens in life, right??

This blog posting is really just to make time disappear. 5 o clock is just 20 minutes away, but 20 minutes too far!!! Whaaaaa, help!!! Make this day go away!!

Actually had a good day at work today. Trying to sort my table out, but maybe I should stop trying, you never win....

Anyway, time to log off and go home...finally!!!

The end of the world as we know it

OK, there folks, I'm back and (thankfully) still alive, only by the Grace of God...I have seriously been contemplating suicide lately, and I cannot find any reason for it except that I don't want to do this anymore, the struggling, the everything. But then again, I am sometimes seen as very morbid. I actually went to people's house the other so that they can pray for me, but now it seems everything is getting worse, especially from my Christian father. He is giving me hell. Some of it I deserve, but a lot of it I really don't. He can't blame me for his health and for the fact that they have babied me since I've been born. Come on, I just have to use a certain tone of voice and I get anything I want. But then, I want to take control, and I use another tone of voice and suddenly I am the spawn of satan himself.

If anyone out there is reading it, please, I need direction in a way that won't hurt the ones I hold so dear so greatly. Fuck, I am probably the most selfish and manipulative bitch in this country, or should I say Cuntry....hehehehehe. Well @ least the sense of humour still exists, but really, I don't know for how much longer I can keep on pretending to be semi-happy, semi-normal, and just in between with nothing of substance.

Oh hell, maybe I should jump in front of a train, but they are on strike...blimey the world really does not want to play along. Maybe I should stop playing by their rules and make up my own...I am just tired of half measures, and to be honest, it is all I have given in my life...the grapes of wrath, you reap what you sow...

Dear God, I am the most horrible human being on earth. For a killer kills, but I do it silently, and in the black corners of your mind. I am poison. As I said, but for the Grace of God, I do not deserve to live. I am worse than Judas.

Enough of feeling sorry for myself.

Bye.

Reality

I did myself a favour today, I went through my inboxes and outboxes on both my email accounts as well as my phone. Not one of those two so-called friends ever sent me anything really encouraging. I hardly got phone calls. My outboxes were filled with messages to tell them to hang on and that I was thinking about them. Now I know I'm demanding and selfish, but I don't expect more from people than what I am willing to give. So here is the deal, they are leeches, they suck all the energy from me, without a backward glance as to how I am feeling, what I am going through.

So, fuck the guilt feelings!! I am better than the two of them combined, even when drunk...hiehie.

At least I have a grip on reality most of the time. As I said on facebook, I got rid of dem bad apples. And yes, he did sort of treat me like a whore, he just pretended to care, time I face that one.

And now I'm getting into bed, its freezing!!

A good thing...or maybe not?

I have written off two of my "friends". I just couldn't take the unsurity, abuse and neglect any more. And typical in my style, I now feel guilty, but deep down inside I know it was the right thing for my own mental health. I doubt they will ever understand, since I was extremely drunk when I did it, but I remember what I said and wrote. I really don't think friends treat each other the way we ended up all treating each other. Not as if I have no blame in this, but thats just one of the sad facts of life.

I mean, your best friend does not go skinny dipping with the man of your moment while you are sleeping. Its not right, and two naked adults are not an innoccent situation, no matter how much they try to convince me it was. And fact of the matter, how does one condom suddenly just disappear, I sure as hell was not involved in that one.

And on a completely different note...WHAAAAAAAA, I have 4 assignments due.

I should never have gone to Cape Town.

Letting go

Just read my last post, don't know if what I felt (feel) is so-called real love, but I have realised that just admitting to myself how I feel makes it easier to let it go. Such a contradiction and strange, but I can let go now, finally.

And not handling stress at work all that well. Not handling people all that well. Not even handling myself all that greatly. But hey, I'm still here, no suicides or attempts as of yet.

I am just tired tired tired and going to try to go to sleep now. Whoopee, it means I wake up at 12, 2 and 4, and then even more tired.

hmmm, think I need a serious all night party with litres of booze and all the nice things that go along with it....

And now what?????????

OK, I'm back, and no, I did not even get close to writing any of my thoughts down. I did, however, manage to almost get myself back in rehab, have friends who want to commit suicide, and realised, probably for the first time in my life, what real love is. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH, dear God I hope he never reads this, but then again, real love is not trying to change someone, not trying to rule their life, not trying to manipulate them, being honest, etc, blahdeblah...and we have that. I seriously don't think that he feels about me like I feel about him, but that's ok.

I LOVE HIM ANYWAY, MY FRIEND, MY HEART.

Shit, must remember never to give this website address out to him!!

Anyhow, and whoopdidoo, I am under serious stress at work, but am dealing with it not too badly. Jumped off the wagon enough times now, but dealing with that as well. As long as people don't judge, I'm fine, but I'm a good one to talk, I'm extremely judgemental, trying to change though...

Gotta go,

Luv ya all,

Have a pleasant ??

Sabbatical

I'm gonna be disappearing from the blogging for a while to do some introspection. I need to sort out what's going on with me by myself (will be writing a journal on paper though).

For those of you who log in regularly, leave comments (not anonomously)so I can contact you. For those of you on facebook, you can look up my phone number or email address, and for my friends, you've got them. You can contact me if you wish, but I'm giving up on trying to be everything for everyone and finding out who the hell I am.

A MANY TENTACLED MONSTER

I have realised (again) that the tentacles of addiction look good from a distance, are sneaky and once it has gotten hold of you, it does not want to let go. It causes distrust, alienation and a stream of other negatives with the promise of feeling good for a while. The next is worse, the guilt, the sadness, the self-hatred and self-doubt want to consume you to a point where the only escape you can think of presents itself in a bottle.

I desperately need to get out of these clutches. I am doing an extremely good job of fucking everything up that I have worked so hard to build up again.

I feel like I am in a dark alley, no way out, and I have trouble seeing the world as it is.

Anyone out there, please think of me and pray for me. I need more than I am willing to admit even to myself.

Destruction

My God, I really don't know why I always have to try and destroy all the good and positive in my life. If any of my friends who I have hurt through my selfish and immature behaviour read this, I am truly sorry.

I am trying to find my way, but sometimes it is just too damn hard or to dark.

I will prevail, and I will win this fight. Please don't abandon me, even though you have the best reason to.

The neverending dilemma

And how do you deal with this one. I sorta figured out I need a man, but I don't think just for sex. I really don't think I'll be able to cope with a one night stand at this point in time. I just need the physical contact from someone who cares for me.

But I won't get it, because that person does not exist, probably never has and never will. God this sucks. I don't know which way to turn anymore.

But honestly, if I look at my dad, I never want a man. He is a good man, yes, but if I end up in such a relationship as my parents have, I will surely kill someone, even if it has to be me. Its like a catch 22, I want it, but I also don't.

Aaarrrghhh!!! Someone save me from this hell that is my mind!!!!

And why do I have this feeling like everyone is lying to me????

Regrets

OK, so the previous entry was probably a bit extreme, but that was how I felt. I still feel like that, but I also realise that it is not realistic. I've lost my perspective a long time ago, don't know how to go about getting it back. There are a lot of things I've lost that I don't know how to get back.

Sometimes when I sit and think about things my life is one long road of regrets. Regrets about things I've done and things I haven't. I internalise too much, and take the blame for everything on myself. It probably has to do with my dad and how he treated me as a child, and as a matter of fact, still treats me. If someone's in a bad mood, I wonder what I've done wrong, or why they don't like me, etc. In 99% of the cases their attitude has got nothing to do with me. What do I have to do to stop being such a people pleaser?

I mean, for crying out loud, this cannot go on forever, I have to stop this cycle sometime, and the sooner the better. I just don't know how. Sad, isn't it.

I'm just extremely lonely today, and its always worse on Sundays, especially in winter. And also, I want to run away from myself. I don't want to face up to any truths about my so-called life. Not even the good things. I'm in limbo.

Anyway, I'm going to watch some tv, and hopefully sleep well and feel better tomorrow. We'll see.

I need a magic wand

Today my life feel like a neverending maize of questions. A lot of why's that have no answer, and if anyone does have the answer, they don't want to share it with me. I don't suppose its a good thing lying in bed and wondering about it all, but no use being like an ostrich and hiding your head in the sand either. I have so many things that bother me, especially from my past.

I've just realised how much money I have wasted through my 8 years in Namibia. London does NOT count for a waste of money. And I'm turning 35 next month and have not achieved a single thing that I can honestly say that I'm proud of.

Pride, another thing bothering me. I have to much of a sense of pride, albeit a false one. I can hardly ever admit to being wrong, I justify all my shortcomings and wrongdoings. The best of it is, I usually convince other people to believe it. I wonder if there is an ounce of an honest and caring person in me. Some days I really doubt it.

I wish God would come and take his big eraser and wipe me and everything I've done in my life and all memories anyone has of me from the face of this earth. I can't live with myself like this any longer. It hurts too much and I'm too ashamed of everything. And no, it does not spring from my alcoholic phase, this comes from way beyond that. I've been a liar and a cheat my whole life. How my parents can even think of loving me is beyond my comprehension. And I still have friends. What the hell are they doing with me? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve anyone.

Fuck this, gotta go, or I'll start crying.

All apologies

Lyrics by Kurt Cobain...

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay

What else should I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun, In the sun I feel as one
In the sun, In the sun, I'm married, buried, buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything's my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua sea-foam shame
Sunburn with freezer-burn
Chocking on the ashes of her enemy

In the sun, In the sun I feel as one
In the sun, In the sun, I'm married, buried, buried.

Now, I was sort of planning to do one of the AA steps on my blog tonight where I write down all the hurt I've caused people in my abusing stage. But I was working too hard today to even think about it, and also, my mood is way too silly to take it seriously.

Have been listening to Sinead O'Connor though, and the lyrics of the above song really touched me (yet again). I haven't listened to this particular CD in ages, but its good.

Anyhow, I feel like going out clubbing and having fun. But on the other hand I'm so exhausted that I'll be really crappy company. Never mind the 3 glasses of wine, glass of champers and beer I had at work. It was fun though.

What I do suggest for myself is getting into bed early and sleeping very late tomorrow. Fuck the fact that I'm horny as hell (still)...excuse the pun????

Gotta go, my bed awaits.

Thoughts on a lonely Thursday

Well, I can send sms's again...a friend borrowed me his old phone until I get mine fixed. Nice thing to do when you get drunk...smash your screen. I don't even remember what/who I was so angry at. Another great thing about getting really drunk...you don't remember. Apparently I made a date with a friend, she mailed me the next day to apologise for not showing and I didn't even know what she was on about. I'm seriously not reliable when drunk, but I am a reliable drunk if you catch my drift...hahahaha.

Oh, wll, I'm feeling feckle tonight. That's on the one hand. On the other I'm irritated as hell, and also lonely, horny, and up for a good laugh. Now if this makes sense to anyone, they have lots of screws missing. I don't understand it and its my thoughts and emotions anyway. But then again, I hardly ever really understand myself. Ok, that's not true. I understand myself very well, its the other people I don't get, and they don't get me most of the time either. No fucking wonder I'm single. Or maybe its because I'm ugly and fat and irritating and generally needy once given attention. Lets not forget overenthusiastic, no self esteem (on the looks side) and over sensitive. Absofuckinglutely great combination for anyone to look for in a girlfriend innit?

Maybe I should just run far far away, but the fuckup is that I'll be there. Suicide is too much of a hassle, specially for the ones left behind, never mind the act itself. I won't be able to kill myself violently, so it'll have to be an OD, but you have no guarantee of success. And really, I don't want to be a vegetable for my remaining years. Na-ah, then I'd rather try and cope with the crap that is called my life and wake up every morning hoping that today will be THE day that things happen.

And as always, I get stuck in the day to day stuff and when you blink, the day is over, and I have not gotten any further than yesterday. But I am still alive, physically, emotionally is a huge ?. I can still hope that tomorrow something will change. Yeah, I know, change depends on oneself, but not all change. A lot of it has to do with the outside world too. I'm not one of those "The Secret" people who believe that through positive thoughts you will realise all your dreams. Been pushed down to often, I generally lash out.

Ahhh, talking about lashing out, had an interesting train of thought the other day. I got a surprising phone call from someone who I thought didn't want anything more to do with me, and honestly, he shouldn't want to. I pushed the limits of that "friendship" far beyond the limits. But anyway, I was thinking about the fact, that because I got hurt, I put blame on him, said to my friends that I didn't want anything to do with him, blah, blah. But I hurt myself, I knew the truth of the situation, and still tried to change it to something else. I know he is a great guy, and truthfully, I was more angry at me than at him. So now, please explain why we struggle to accept the truth of the matter and why do we end up saying terrible things about people when we are hurt. They might be hurting too, and by doing this we are causing more harm, not only to other people, but to ourselves and our perspectives and ethics. This is actually one of life's little problems I only recently started thinking about. Maybe I should just call myself a bitch.

Anyhow, I feel like breaking something. Noooo, not my phone. Maybe something like taking up a sledgehammer and hammering the bejesus out of an old building or something. Aarghhh, frustration, anger, irritation (mostly at myself...all of them)

Now I think that on this wonderfully positive note I will rush from this website and go and have a cigarette.

Cutted Off

OK, I feel way better since last time. And I've been sorta clean...

I am tired, and feel like I don't have emotions. Its a strange feeling, don't know how to express it. Haven't been doing much with myself this week except the work thing, fortunately we are busy, so I can keep my mind off any negative thoughts.

I have to work again tomorrow, so it gives me a great excuse to to go to the memorial service. I've never been to one of those, or even a funeral, as a matter of fact. I also don't have anyone who'll go with me, so its better that way. I might go up to the Thule hotel for a drink, since that is the last place we went to socially before he got involved in the woman who is now his widow.

Anyway, I am just sick and tired, so very, very tired. Wish I could sleep the whole weekend. Might just do that after work tomorrow.

I'm cut off from the world since my cell phone is broken...no smsing!!! I feel lost.

At times like these I always want to be somewhere far away, where I don't know anyone and where no one can contact me. But everytime that happened in the past I ended up getting really sozzled and inviting everyone over!!! I don't make sense. Not even to myself. How the fuck should anyone else understand me.

If this is it

OK, if I can't be honest here, I can't be anywhere. I fell off the wagon big time. Went on a drinking binge, haha, and don't feel any better, completely the opposite, I feel worse. Not only did I disappoint myself, I hurt the people who love me.

And the worst of all, one of my good friends shot himself.

I'm sorry, generally I'm relatively poetic and have nice words, but not now, there is now nice way to express anything that has happened since Sunday. Worst is, I wish I was him.

I don't know how to deal.

To wish for destructive things

Tonight, as I sit here, alone again, I miss my best friend. I wish I could have you with me, I wish I could drown myself in the escape you offer. I wish I wish I wish. But I know, your promises are empty, your price too high. Why did you start controlling my life? Why could I not let you go. And for God's sake, why am I still craving you? Can you not leave me alone. Can you not evaporate like you do when cooked? How long before this process of healing will be done?

To be able to walk into a store, buy as much of you as I can, go and sit somewhere all by myself and drown away all the pain, the loneliness, the tears that are always near the surface but seem to be reluctant to emerge, the emptiness, the screams and anger. How nice that would be. If only there was no tomorrow where the price will have to be paid with guilt and shame. With even more loneliness and pain. If only you were cheaper.

To be able to go into a bar, to just have enough to get the courage to talk to a man, to be "yourself"...without the shame in the morning. But no, you will strip me of all I deem as good. You will rip out my soul, tear me to pieces. You will trample on my heart, you will take my job, my money, my family. You already took my dignity once, and now that I nearly have it back you want it again. You will never rest until I am in the gutters of life, an empty shell who's only solace is in a bottle of cheap wine I'll have to beg.

No, you won't take me. I deserve better. I want more from life, I deserve the best from life. I am worthwile, and you will NEVER take my soul, my life and my dignity again. I will find healthy ways to cope with me.

Remaining open to love...

Ok, so I bought this book again after giving my copy to the infamous Doc. Don't know it he's got it yet, haven't asked Heids if she's given it to him yet, can't ask him since we don't have contact, but anyhoo, I'm seriously digressing, don't wanna talk about all THAT again, it's over and done with. So anyway, this great collection of pieces by Paulo Coelho in Like the Flowing River. Great piece on love, which I'd sorta like to quote:

"There are times when we long to be able to help someone whom we love very much, but we can do nothing. Circumstances will not allow us to approach them, or the person is closed off to any gesture of solidarity and support.
Then all we are left with is love. At such times, when we can do nothing else, we can still love - without expecting any reward or change or gratitude.
If we do this, the energy of love will begin to transform the universe about us. Wherever this energy appears, it always achieves its ends. 'Time does not transform man. Will-power does not transform man. Love transforms' says Henry Drummond."

"Love transforms and love cures; but, sometimes, love builds deadly traps and can end up destroying a person who had resolved to give him or herself completely. What is this complex feeling which, deep down,is the only reason we continue to live, struggle and improve?
It would be irrisponsible of me to attempt to define it, because I, along with every other human being, can only feel it. Thousands of books have been written on the subject, plays have been put on, films produced, poems composed, sculptures carved out of wood or marble; andyet all any artist can convey it the idea of a feeling, not the feeling itself.
But I have learnt that this feeling is present in the small things, and manifests itself in the most insignificant of our actions. It is necessary, therefore, to keep love always in mind, regarless of whether or not we take action.
Picking up the phone and saying the affectionate words we have been postponing. Opening the door to someone who needs our help. Accepting a job. Leaving a job. Taking a decision that we were putting off for later. ASking forgiveness for a mistake we made and which keeps niggling at us. Demanding a right that is ours. Opening an accoung at the local florist's, which is a far more important shop than the jeweller's. Putting music on really loud when the person you love is far away, and turning the volume down when he or she is near. Knowing when to say 'yes' and 'no', because love works with all our energies. Discovering a sport that can be played by two. Not following any recipe, not even those contained in this paragraph, because love requires creativity.
And when none of this is possible, when all that remains is loneliness, then remember this story that a reader once sent me.
A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals.
The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.
One night, the moon, who knew of the rose's loneliness, asked: 'Aren't you tired of waiting?'
'Possibly, but I have to keep trying.'
'Why?'
'Because if I don't remain open, I will simply fade away.'
At times, when loneliness seems to crush all beauty, the only way to resist is to remain open."

And sometimes other people say what I feel much better than I can ever imagine to express myself. Sometimes his words make me want to cry, not from sadness, but I think from the hope he restores and the beauty he creates in his books.

On that note I have been chased off the net by the dad, who needs the phone (still the dial up connection...)

THE BLUES HAS HIT THE TOWN

I went through it all today, sadness, loneliness, anger, irritation and a unhuman craving for booze. It felt like I was going crazy. It was the most difficult thing to NOT give in to the craving today. Its like I'm at war with myself, the sober and the drunk me fighting it out. I guess its because I don't want to deal with the sadness and the loneliness, but if I want to keep my life, I have to...and thàt, is really difficult, because there will always be a part of me that wants to throw it all away, that doesn't want to face reality.

I hope to God it gets easier. "They" say it does, but fucking when? I even get to the point where I feel like all I've learnt in rehab was bullshit, but thinking clearly, I know it wasn't. Once an addict, always an addict. Have to just grind my teeth and deal. Fortunately I've got great friends...thanks for the support Michelle. I felt too bad dragging everyone into this, so I just contacted a few...Andre, you're going through enough as is, don't want to give you more to worry about. hehe, will now probably receive comment from him....

So now, what did I do today??? Sweet blow f-all, ok, not really. A shitload of washing (boring), tried to watch dvd, but couldn't stay focused, tried to sleep, but my conscience wouldn't let me, drank way too much coffee, cried, had a couple of panick attacks. Let's see, what else? Oh, finally fell asleep for about an hour at 5. Great time for an afternoon nap ain't it??? Will have to get another sleeping pill from mummy tonight.

I guess the sadness stems from brother leaving for Australia again today. I'm gonna miss him. He has his uses, he takes the stress that my dad puts on me and my mom away, because now daddy has someone to talk to.

I really longed for a partner today. I miss someone to share with, someone to hold me when I'm down, someone to be happy together with. But yeah, I refuse to join a dating service. I even ignore the stuff on facebook. Don't know if its stupid or not, but thats me.

I feel like shit today. And on that note I'm going to log off.

LUNCH MUSINGS

Ahh, one good thing, the assignment is finished and mailed. Now I only have 3 more and one of them is statistics, which I'm terrible at, its the 4th time I'm taking it and I have to pass it this year.

I'm in weird place at the moment. I can't really figure out what I feel or how to behave. Had a huge argument with the Dad last night, was busy on the blog, and he was staring over my shoulder, wanting to know what I was doing. Now it is all good and well that I gave this site to certain friends and get visits through linkreferral, etc., but come on, I don't want them to know what my struggles are. They are worried enough and ageing quite rapidly, I don't want them to stress more. Also, I don't want to have to explain myself about these musings. It is to get it out of my system, not to worry them. Hopefully the game drive today will relax him.

Seriously glad the bro from Oz is here. Takes a lot of tension from me and my mom. Old men are too much, and to think I looked after them in England. Probably was easy because they are not family.

I've been thinking about my life again, and want I want from it. I have to start organising my finances to be able to move to Cape Town. Why does a credit card just take so long to get paid off? I have destroyed it, so haven't been using it for ages, but the amount on the statement just doesn't disappear.

Got some advice from a friend who says I should write down all the things I want and send it to the angels. Its time I start doing that...

Oh, and on the finances thing, I AM going to take N$500 and go to the second-hand bookstore and get some amazing books again. Thats what I really miss from London, the bookstores. You could get anything, here you have to go through Amazon or such to find the cool books. Have just bought the Kite runner, and am going to start it as soon as I finished the current book...can't wait, it looks really good.

Anyhoo, this is/was my lunch break, which I finally spent not eating sweets (craving fudge again). You'd swear I'm pregnant!! Fortunately (or maybe not) impossible.

Since its 2, I'll have to log off now, and get back to the real world.

QUITE TRUE ACTUALLY

You Are a Crossword Puzzle

You are well read, and you have a good head for remembering facts. You are a wordsmith. You have a way with words, and you're very literate. You are a mysterious person who enjoys dropping little clues every now and then.

What Kind of Puzzle Are You?

Senseless Musings of a Vacant Mind

I feel vacant today. Maybe it is loneliness settling in for a quick stay again. It is one of those days where you miss something or someone, but you can't quite place who or what. I always used to say that I miss someone I haven't met yet. Could be just that.

I've been wondering today if it is normal to absolutely crave alcohol like I've been doing today. I had to have a very long and stern talk to myself to convince me of the negative effects it will have on my life if I even only have one drink. I know for a fact that I am not at a stage in my life where I'll be able to stop. Don't know if I'll ever be one of those lucky people who will be able to drink socially again. But on the other hand, I think it is up to oneself. You have the ability to live your life the way you want to, but on the other hand I have the insight to know I'll lose control. Don't want to do that, I've come to far and I am too much involved with getting my life on track again and building a future.

Possibly it could be that I am doing well and want to destroy everything again since I don't really know how to cope with happiness, contentness or success. I've never been able to handle it rationally. And then again, I've never been able to handle the negative stuff rationally either, else I would never have taken alcohol abuse to levels I did.

See, senseless musings. Round and round and round...

Reminds me of a quote a friend gave me once: We dance around in circles and suppose, while the answer sits in the middle and knows. Sounds like me at the moment.

Thank god for work, it keeps my mind busy and off all the cravings. I am munching chocolates, cookies and chips as if its going out of fashion...replacement therapy?????

Enough senselessness for one evening, I've got an assignment on child abuse to finish...bliss innit? Good topic, though heartwrenching.

Hapiness and bliss all around.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud

And then it was over. Easter weekend is gone and the rat-race starts again. It was sooooo great having my friend here!! The weekend was great, though filled with a lot of temptation, but I stayed clean and sober, did not order that gin and tonic I wanted so badly. Feel good about it now, but I am exhausted. Feels like I need a week of sleep, definately away from home...

Now here's the best part, the dark cloud, my dad is convinced that I fell off the wagon. When I went to the airport, he went through my room, to see if there is any hidden booze there. I know he has reason from past experience to distrust me, but this hasn't happened once since I've been back from rehab, or so he says, (I know he went through my car one day). His words say he trusts me, but he doesn't. Thank god my mom does.

I'm at this moment see-sawing between anger, disgust and disappointment. For a change not in myself. It hurts man. I don't know how to react to this. My mom mentioned something to him about him nagging me, and now he is a thundercloud storming through the house. I'm sick of his tantrums and manipulative behaviour. He makes me feel guilty even though I haven't done anything.

I seriously need some advice or help on how to deal with this. He is one of the people that can hurt me with just a look. The one person I've always wanted to be accepted by but never felt that I've quite reach the mark, no matter how well I did or what I did. I should let this go, but its difficult. Issues...and then more issues.

Can't even get depressed in solitude. Damn.

Anyway, now I got this out of my system. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning, or maybe even sooner.

Three hours and counting!!!!!

Finally, Easter Weekend is waiting around the corner!!!! 3 more hours of slaving in front of the computer and then off to the airport to fetch my friend!!! Woohoo, I can't wait!!!!

And now, back to the salt mines.

This was just to get the happiness out there!!

YAHOO! (Except for the Eskom thing)

It's been a while. Thank God this website opened. I have no idea what is going on with the internet, but all the websites I try to open either take forever, or the server is lost. Apparently got something to do with load shedding, but Namibia doesn't have power problems, and I really can't understand why South Africa's power fuck up should influence our ability to get quick access to the internet. I didn't have problems previously. It seriously pisses me off.

Thank God my dad went fishing, some peace and quiet, but now my bro's mother in law is here, and granted, she is a nice lady, but I have enough shit at work as it is, I don't want to tell them about all the nitty-gritty stuff and my boss being a nosey know it all who doesn't know half. Man, it irritates me. Hehe, Andre isn't the only one with a negative blog, har har...

Anyhoo, on a way more positive note, MY FRIEND ARRIVES TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! And I cannot wait. Still scared about going to Swakop (the drinking thing) but I am strong-willed so I'll make it. And besides, I have a great support system in friends and family, even though the family drives me nuts at times, well, maybe most of the time.

I really need this long weekend. Not to worry about anything important.

Well, anyhow, thought it would be good for me to let off steam a little and find out what thoughts are roaming around in my head. Seems the answer to that is...not too many...hiehie!!

Gotta go now, I finally started studying and have assignments I want finished by tomorrow.

Good night!!

Little issues in the big picture

I just realised today, that I (probably some other people too) tend to get so wrapped up in the little things that I forget about the bigger picture. There are so many things that I have already accomplished that I ignore, or don't deem significant. There are so many other things I want to accomplish, but I tend to get stuck into a cycle of self-loathing and negativity, that I forget about it.

Okay, have to admit, the blog helps to get rid of the negativity and then I see the whole picture again. But I do tend to feel really stupid sometimes when I realise that I've been focusing on the wrong aspects of my day to day life.

So, I know I'm blessed. I have great friends, a wonderful family and a bright future. Why do I put so much worth into what other people who I first of all don't know very well, and second of all don't even like, think of me. When am I going to get rid of this part of me that always wants to please and to yearn for acceptance and people to like me. My God, I don't even like the majority of people on the planet, why would everyone like my. Haha, sometimes I wonder why anyone in their right mind would like me, but hey, maybe my friends are loonies!! I was seriously joking about that, but sometimes one wonders.....

I baked bread tonight!!!!!! Cannot believe it, and its delicious!!! I found that cooking and baking are wonderful pro-active stress relievers. Blogging works, but that is more for the mind, when you create something you can see and judge the results.

I do sort of feel guilty for not attending any AA meetings for the past couple of weeks, but everytime I think of it I get a negative feeling. I think that maybe I found a better way to cope with my problems and that the people who are closest to me provide a better support system than the AA. Well, my mom's been sober for over 30 years and she didn't attend AA. It's not the be all and end all. I don't trust the people with my feelings. Strange, I trust complete strangers (and some familiars) much more. Probably because I can express myself better in writing than by talking. I am also more honest with myself when I write.

I always enjoy writing when you get to that point where you don't think about what you're saying anymore, it just flows out. Once you've finished and read through you realise what you really said. That's what my journals were always like, this blog too sometimes. Haha, at least with typing I don't have to decipher it afterwards!!!! I really have ugly handwriting. If I were more brainy I could have been a doctor. Thankfully I have no desire to be one, never did. Want to really be a psychologist though. And for that I need to stop faffing about on the internet at night and baking bread and take my books, go sit at the desk and start to study. For crying out loud, I only need two more subjects to get my BA degree.

Anyhow, enough about that, I only make it worse. I think I'm going to go and have another slice of nice warm bread with butter and honey.

Blue Tuesday

Hehe...like the control your ocd ad google put on my site...are they trying to tell me something!! HAHA, fortunately one thing I don't suffer from. Though I've got a friend who does, and it seems like hell.

Anyhoo(t), I AM FRUSTRATED!!!!!! And no, not sexually, but come (pun???) to think about it, I should be. This is soooo workrelated its not funny. There is a complete lack of communication in that place. From top to bottom. And when it starts affecting your ability to do your work it is hell. I mean, I would like to be proud of the job I'm doing. I'm surely not lazy or unwilling to learn, but I get the idea that some people don't want me to learn or to succeed.

Without being too judgemental, it could be because they are lazy, and don't want to be shown up. Since I don't get an opportunity to learn what goes for what and how it is done, I probably won't know. I am really considering taking this up with the boss, but its not the best solution as of yet. Will see how I can figure this one out.

About the comment on the pictures needed on the blog...I know!! A digital camera would make me a great present...hehe!! And to add, Namibia looks gorgeous with all the rain we've been getting. Its actually GREEN, wow!! Makes one extremely grateful and awestruck.

After that little bitching session I feel way better. Got the daily quote on FB, and its great...I liked you better before I knew you so well!!! Ain't that true for a LOT of people!!!

Aaarghhhh...I need motivation to study. My UNISA books are not peeking at me anymore, they are glaring!!! Got to at least finish two of my assignments before Heidi comes to visit. Less stress on me and more fun for the weekend.

I just realised this will be the first time I go to Swakop and will be sober for the whole weekend!!! Strange, don't really know what to expect, or do, since a visit to the coast always was a huge drinking session (haha, even the drive there was...won't elaborate). Mmm, this time I can find out what its really all about, and no, I will NOT go fishing. Wish I was there yesterday though, the crayfish literally walked out of the ocean. Hope Tania picked some up so we can cook 'em. Reminds me, I should phone her about the bookings...

I really think I've said all there is to say right now, feel somewhat empty, but very much lighter.

Have fun and be good.

Sunday Hues

Finally I have time for myself again. Was working like crazy this week and after work I had no energy left to write anything. Even though I went to work today as well, I finished up early. Hope the bossman is happy.

I can't say that I really felt depressed this week. I did actually crave a drink about four times, but did not do anything about it, so I'm still clean. Goody, I deserve a noddy badge. Found that sarcasm is a great defense mechanism, but shouldn't overdo it.

I can't wait for Easter weekend!!! Firstly, my friend from Cape Town is coming up for a visit!!! Woo-hoo!!! And we will be going to Swakopmund for a couple of days...Will do me wonders to get away for a while. I realised that even if I feel like I don't have time to write, I should do it anyway, since it is the best way to get rid of sadness and depression without hurting anyone, including myself.

And I should really start studying. There are no excuses left and I REALLY want my degree at the end of this year. Hopefully it will open some doors for me to start getting experience in the psychology field. I don't want to work in accounts forever. That will make me completely and utterly bonkers.

I've had my share of bad news this week. Two of my friends from rehab fell off the wagon and are drinking like it is going out of fashion. Fortunately it is not the end of the world. Hopefully they will both realise why they are trying to destroy themselves and start working on it. All I can do is pray for them and encourage them to face whatever they have to.

My mom's cat died on Saturday. She was very old, but my poor mom is very sad. She adored that cat and the cat adored her. Now she has to cope with my two crazy and energetic cat-mongrels running around. Fortunately they are lovable.

Ha ha, I wonder what Andre will say when he reads this...he had a blog-bitching session about people who blog about their cats...and here I go as well!!!

I'm a little jealous of my Capetonian friend. She seems to have found herself a man, and I'm STILL single. But, she deserves all the happiness life can give her and more. I just wish it will happen to me too, but I know deep down inside that I have way too many issues that any man will want to put up with, and as "they" say, you have to be happy with yourself first...

Anyway, I am going to relax for the rest of this wonderful and rainy Sunday. Maybe make some pancakes, we'll see, cook some dinner for the folks and just really relax.

READING AND WRITING

I have to thank everyone for their reviews so far (no, I'm not left-handed). And thanks for the prayers, they helped. I seem to be lifting out of the daze of depression, albeit slowly. Picked up my Paulo Coelho book again and finally finished it. That man can write. Every single book he has ever written lifts me up and almost brings tears to my eyes. To be able to have his faith and people skills! All I can say is wow. (I just finished Like the flowing river).

The only other significant thing I did today was to go out and spend most of my pay check on bills. How utterly annoying. Why, why, why? Oh, well, I suppose I did make the debt, so I do have to pay it. Ha, and to make it easier, I bought a cd on credit...my brain doesn't function does it?

I'm sorta speechless tonight, not much to say, or rather, I have a lot on my mind but not when I'm in front of the computer...I used to keep a journal, which was basically the same as my blog. I still find it strange that I, of all people, am writing on the web where other people can read it too. Most of the time it is all the things I have trouble expressing to people in real life, or things I don't want to say out loud. My shrink should NOT read this, he'll realise that I haven't told him half of it in the past 2 years or so. Which reminds me, I should probably go and see him again sometime to give overview of how I'm doing now that I'm going off my meds. Thankfully better. Way less suicidal and not so deeply depressed. I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel (even if it might be a train).

Anyhow, I am going to crawl into bed now with the 2 schnookies (my furry friends Bonnie and Clyde, the wonderful cats), and listen to Sarah Brightman and finish my other book, A million little pieces (about addiction and rehabilitation, but very heavy).

HELPLESS

I feel really helpless. A friend of mine is going through a very tough time and there is not much I can do to help, except pray for her, and even that seems futile to me. I want all the good things in life for her, but can't give them. It's really unfair.

So tonight, I will spare two of my guardian angels and send them to her to help her carry her burden. I will pray and pray and pray, since it is all I can do. And God willing, we will all surface with lighter hearts and love in our lives.

I am there for you girl, even though I am far away.

A BED OF NAILS

Was listening to the NBK soundtrack today and came across some REALLY great Nine Inch Nails songs as well as my old fave Leonard Cohen. I sometimes live my life through the lyrics of songs since they make complete sense to me as to where I am at that stage.

Take for instance NIN: "My favourite dreams of you still wash ashore, scraping through my head till I don't wanna sleep anymore. You make this go away, I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away, I just want something I can never have." Or Leonard Cohen: "Baby I've waiting, I've been waiting night and day. I didn't see time, and I've waited half my life away. But I was waiting for the miracle to come."

And no, I am not depressing myself listening to this. It is as if a weight gets lifted from my shoulders after listening to such music. The same effect as writing has on me.

Since I grew up in a house where emotions weren't really showed, I have learned to be able to live through music and books. Thank God I have a great imagination, especially for reading, the best hobby a person can ever have. I have also never learned how to acceptably show emotions. It is either too little or too much. I'm like a baby having to learn from scratch, but there is no one to help me and show me the way. And now my emotions are all over the place. I (want to say nearly, but that won't be true) became a sms stalker. Couldn't leave someone alone. Another thing on my list to be utterly ashamed of. I don't even want to think about it, I cringe at the idea. How low do I have to go?

Since it is Sunday, and we have had wonderful rain (again), I will be saying goodnight...and good luck. Hopefully the rains continue, so this desert of a country can have some green again (although the north is flooding...)

RANDOM MEMORIES

Gmf, really getting sick of this subject, but maybe blogging will get it out of my mind. Why is it that my brain seems to be able to sort of forget him but my body refuses to? I can actually feel the way he kissed me and held me. Strange. Maybe I've developed a new addiction. And this happens completely randomly. I could be sitting in front of the computer at work or driving somewhere in my car.

Found a really weird but rather funny and interesting site (read about it in the paper and checked it out) called hatebook, an antithesis to facebook apparently, but it is just a bunch of people blurting out the stuff they hate. Quite cool, but I prefer blogging, you get to be more honest and you feel safer in the environment.

I basically went there to see if someone hasn't posted anything on me yet, surprisingly not.

I really hope and pray that I get over this soon. I believe I will, but I'm not very patient and I want it to happen now.

That's all from me for now!

OBSESSING

Had a very interesting day yesterday. First time in a long while that I didn't spend it at home. I actually got into my car and went somewhere. It was very therapeutic. I tend to forget that I have really great friends who will stand by me when I need it. It was so nice to talk about general things for a change, better than any anti-depressant I've ever tried.

Also realised that I tend to obsess about things when I can't get them, or if it doesn't go my way. It seems I am sort of turning into the person I don't want to be. The million dollar question is how to not do it. It's difficult to get out of this self-destructing cycle. My mind knows that it is wrong, and sometimes, I can even stop it, but lately I seem to have lost all control over my thought patterns and the actions that follow from them.

I used to be able to prevent myself from falling in love. I used to be able to talk myself out of these behaviours, but for the past four months I have no ability to do that. I want my self-control back, my realistic views on life. And I don't know where to start. I want to stop taking out my mistakes and issues on other people.

After rehab I was really on the pink cloud (for about a month). It has evaporated. The worst thing for me is when I lie in bed at night and some random image comes into my head about something I did when I was drunk. I (at one stage) could push these thoughts away, but can't anymore. The feelings of guilt, embarassment and just shame that go hand in hand with these thoughts and memories are terrible.

I can't seem to forgive myself for the hurt I've caused. The people who've I've hurt the most have forgiven me unconditionally (my parents), but I don't seem to be able to extend that one act of kindness towards myself. It is as if I feel like I don't deserve it. And I have to be honest and say that I have caused myself a lot of damage, especially emotionally.

I tend to get the idea that I started drinking to be able to "be there" initially. To be able to act in social situations, which I previously had no idea of how to do. Eventually I drank to disappear, thats when the major problems started. I still want to disappear. I was going to say sometimes, but it is frequently.

I also don't know how to feel. I am inept. Can't blame the parents, I'm too old to do that now, besides, it's my life. I don't think I'm making much sense at the moment, it is difficult to say these things, so I don't really know how to express them.

PERSPECTIVE

I plead temporary insanity. What on earth was I thinking falling for a doctor? I don't like sciency people, give me artists anytime. Musicians especially! His looks weren't even my taste. The only things I know of that we had in common was taste in books! My god, I was stupid and ignorant. I knew in my heart that most of what was said was half-truths or maybe even full-out lies, but its my own fault for not listening to myself. The first male who is nice to me and I fall for it and him!! For fucks sake...I used to be better than that.

Anyhoo and anyhow, it is (THANK CHRIST) all over now. Finally, forever.

I sound really negative and harsh, which is not what is meant by this...just that it was wrong for me (and probably of me). But I do plead the insanity thing. And no, he is probably not a shitty person, please note the probably. I can't say that I actually know him at all, and if it wasn't for the fact that we met in rehab, I don't think he is the type of person I would ever meet.

Nothing to add.

GO AWAY

God, I am so sick of all this, especially myself. Why, oh why, can I not just let go. When people fuck you around, you throw them out of your life, no, not me, I give them chance after chance after chance. What on earth is it with me, I've always been like this. This fucking stupid sense that if you keep on trying things will get fixed. Maybe other people don't want to fix them, but for fuck's sakes, I do!! I want closure, I want peace, I want stability.

Another thing about me that seriously pisses me off is this whole survival mission. Can't I just give it all up, go out, get horrendously drunk, shag some stranger who I'll never want to see again, commit suicide, end it all...noooooo, I have to have this fucking instinct for survival. Knowing that when I drink again, it will end up in my death (even if only emotionally), I can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to take that overdose, buy the minora blades. It clashes with all I am. I hate it. Can't it just get easier. Fuck man, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.

Ok, ok, a bit melodramatic, but still, this is what I feel like right now. It seems I'm just living, and struggling everyday to keep my head above water to keep from drowning, but I carry on.

Now there is a theory that states that the above has to do with hope. I would really appreciate it if someone could let me know what the fuck I am hoping for. I don't know. I just hate myself at this moment. I keep on lashing out to people who hurt me, using trusty old sarcasm as a defence mechanism (hahaha - not working). I want my walls that surrounded my feelings and kept people out back. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I don't want my life anymore....

He wishes for the cloths of Heaven

My favourite poem...

Had I the Heavens' embroidered cloths;
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night, light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your fett,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- William Butler Yeats

FEAR

I scream inside for you to notice me, but you look past me at other people. I run from you because I'm scared to run to you, that you might reject me, or maybe, accept me. I want you but I don't know what I want. I like you but I don't know my preferences. I need you, or do I really? I need you to make me feel loved. But what does that mean? What do I do to get it? And then, after that? I don't know. I ponder, I think, I run and hide and still don't know.

Forever circling around my own feelings and doubts. Fearing facing them. The fear drives me away from you. You smell the fear, turn away and seek someone else who doesn't fear as much. Or do you really?

Am I just imagining or is it real? Is it there? Are you there?

Do you know what I feel? Can you see the emotion etched out in my eyes? Can you see through my masks and walls? Is my mask protecting me at all or is it just a flimsy excuse to hide.

I don't have the answers, you don't seem to either. I just know I want you. And I will sit still and watch as you sweep another off her feet whilst wishing it was me. I'll pretend to hate you both, but I'll hate only me. And still, I'll want you.

Do you know, or even care? I want you to want me. I need to feel wanted and loved. Does anybody know that I scream inside, that I cry, that I hurt? Sometimes it feels as if my heart is being physically torn from my chest. The pain just sits there and I feel like a glass shattering into a thousand fragments in slow motion. I haven't found the superglue yet and the glassmaker can't make me over. All he can do is put the pieces back together, each in the right place with scars running everywhere I was broken. It will take a lifetime and longer. In the end it will resemble a glass, but imperfect and incomplete.

Do you know how you hurt me? Worse, how you make me hurt me, make me hate me? I don't hate you. I want to know who you are, still. Still I care.

Am I an idiot, a fool? You tell me.

Double-edged sword

Frustrated and lonely, but not alone
She sits and smokes and wonders...
Where is he? What is he doing? Is he thinking of her, or someone else?
Does he care or is she just a distraction?
Would he stay out of reach forever or be close enough one day to hold?
She doesn't know, she misses him, thinks of him, wants him.

She dreams of him, can feel him touching her, kissing her.
Her bed has space for him. She is infatuated, intoxicated by the idea of him.

She tries to break free of these feelings, can't, she knows she'll be good for him.
All she wants is for him to care, but she doubts he ever will.

Does he notice her as a woman? A being needing care and love? A being not to be used as a toy?
She thinks not.

She still sits there, lights another cigarette, imagines him there.
Will she ever tell him? She is scared.

She sees signs, wonders if they're real. Did she imagine? Is he playing games?
Maybe if she asks she'll know.
She did.
He didn't answer.
She still wonders, even more scared now.

What if the next one is the same.
Should she get close again.
She thinks not, they never tell the truth, they lie, they steal your heart, your dignity.
They bring you pain and fear. Ever presiding fear.
She wants to hate him. Can't. Not allowed to love him.
What now?

Lost friendships and the whole shebang

Well, it seems I have not been forgiven and I have lost the opportunity of having another friend. Maybe I should not see it so negatively, he lost the opportunity of having another friend. It is strange, I was thinking about it this morning, how I tend to sometimes push people away with my high expectations or what have you. I have never really gotten any feedback on this so I only have my own ideas to go on, no objective information.

Oh, well...Fortunately I don't hold grudges and stay angry for long and I am very forgiving, maybe too much so. And then, everybody has their set of problems, we just deal differently.

This will be it for now, had so much to say earlier, but forgot it all on the way to work!!

THE MISSING LINK

Today was a weird day. On the one hand everything was great, but on the other hand I have a feeling that there is something missing. No, not a man in my life, something else. I can't put my finger on it. I am glad, however, that I have regained a measure of self-worth. I realised that it is not worth it falling for just anyone, I deserve more. I have so much to give, and it is not to be wasted on someone who does not want it or who will only misuse it.

I also think I only fell for the fellar because he made me feel special and wanted while I was in rehab. It has been so long since I have felt like that, I can't even remember when. And being in rehab is such a vulnerable period anyway.

Thank god v-day is almost over. Nothing spectacular happened. As if...

Not much else to say at the moment. Worried about other people, not myself, for a change.

FOOLS RUSH IN

This serves as an apology. Hopefully the right person will end up reading it.

I am a fool, for I do rush in where angels fear to tread. Instead of dealing with my own life and my own problems, I obsessed about something and someone out of reach. This not only hampered me on the road to recovery, but also set me back a couple of paces. I ended up falling into my old behaviour and thought patterns again, which was the thing that drove me to alcohol in the first place. This had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault. I am the one building castles in the sky, living outside reality, and refusing to take responsibility for my life. I am truly sorry if I ended up hurting you in this process of growing up.

I know you are going through your own trainload of emotional drama currently and the only thing I ended up being was the truly self-centred addict who can't see beyond their own agenda.

I will still be lonely, but that is my problem, I was grasping at the first thing available anyway. Not that you are not a great person, but I cannot even honestly think of a relationship at this moment. I am way to emotionally unstable. I also think my medication had an impact, but its not worth it going there. It will only look like I am once again trying to shift the blame.

I hope you can forgive me, and when you are well on your feet again, and if you want to, you are still welcome to come and visit. I hope I haven't completely fucked up our friendship. You are welcome to contact me. I am not going to contact you. I'm not going to play with friendship rejection, thats even worse than relationship-wise.

There is so must more I want to say, but then I will never end. Sorry for the melodramatics and diva behaviour.

And I do miss you. You are one of the few who I can really joke with!!

GRRRRRR

Ha, gone from feeling utterly sorry for myself to completely pissed off. Stress is a wonderful thing, it makes you forget about all the other crap going on. Still lonely, still dreading St. Vals, but hey, enough people in the office who completely agree with me, so I guess we will don in black on Thursday. Hahaha. The lovely little gay monster working with me will not be happy, but that's his problem. Not my problem he only goes for men with model looks and money. But what should I say, I only go for emotional fuckwits. Birds of a feather......

Anyhoooo. Pondering this concept that people have that once you've been to rehab everything should be sunny and rosy in your life. My dad cannot understand why I need to relax after a really stressful day. No use trying to explain...he is male after all. It is exactly like having a conversation with a brick wall, sounds like someone I know and am trying to forget...

Must admit, a lot of the so-called friends who really wanted this rehab thing act the same. They don't realise that problems stay there, the coping-mechanisms just change, if you can find them (I'm still looking, by the way).

This is such a nice change from the melodramatics of lost love and blahdeblahblahblah. Trust me, those feelings will probably surface again, but hopefully in a lesser degree. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack, but its just the stress in my shoulders. Need a massage. Maybe I should treat myself for the red-hearted day. Still looking for the perfect set of underwear for meself, to knock my vibrator's socks off.

Think this will be it for now, gotta go to AA, maybe come back depro and sob my little heart made of stone out onto these pages!!

Feelings and honesty

One of the people in AA always stresses that the one thing she is most grateful for in her sobriety is having feelings again. I'm not too sure about that one for myself. I feel like I was much safer when I was still hiding them away. They cause me too much pain and confusion. I have no idea what to do with it. Its a freaky place to be, and I can't share it with anyone, since the majority of people immediately assume I will go out drinking again and then I am watched like a hawk. I hope this gets easier as time goes by.

The honesty thing also freaks me out, especially if its one-sided. I have this really nice "friend" who wanted me to be honest with him, so I was, spilling my guts about my life, my ups and downs, my emotions. He never shared. I accidently fell in love with the fucker, just to make my life sooooo much easier, and yes, you guessed, nothing. I was thinking about this whole scenario tonight, and I think he is manipulating this whole thing. I mean, here you have someone who absolutely adores you, who shares everything and all you do is sit there. Ain't life grand. Men are such bastards. And its their own fault we think so. If they want us to be honest, they should be too, and no sugar coating of the truth. I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, no frilly, disguised words so as not to hurt us. In the end that causes more harm than good.

I feel like screaming "what the fuck is up with this whole life thing anyway!!!". But no, you must not think of suicide. Why the hell not??? Its a sure as hell better option than living sometimes.

Anyway, this is getting way too morbid, even for my liking.

Valentine's day and love

With the dreaded St. Val's day creeping up on me, the love side of life is looking dreadfully bleak. I don't know what is wrong with me. Do I just generally fall in love with people who are completeley unattainable, or am I so undesirable that no one wants me. Is it so wrong to want to be loved and cherished? Apparently. I'm so sick of it all. This whole cycle of being used by people, and every now and again, when you just might need them, behold, they are not available. No sirree, you are not a priority, you never were, and I doubt that I ever will be.

So fuck it, then people are shocked if I wonder if life is worthwile. How dare I question it all!! I have to look around and see all the great blessings I have in my life. Yeah, I do see them, I appreciate them, but God knows, they don't fill the loneliness.

I probably fuck up my own life. I mean, for crying out loud, who will want to end up with someone who thinks like me. Someone who ACTUALLY cares. I've been feeling like this for a long time now. I used to drink it away, but can't anymore. Now I'm considering cutting myself, but realised it is just another addiction. So now what. Don't know which way to go.

Thank goodness not everyday feels like this, but pretty much the majority. The looming question is really just what on earth is wrong with me. Why can I not also find the happiness I want. I must be one ugly, fat and screwed up wench. It has not been proven elsewise, so maybe, for now, I'll stick with this explanation. Why not just throw in stupid as well for good measure!!

Maybe pouring my heart out will get the negativity out, but I don't know. Frankly, sometimes I think I don't even care, but that is not at all true.