I went through it all today, sadness, loneliness, anger, irritation and a unhuman craving for booze. It felt like I was going crazy. It was the most difficult thing to NOT give in to the craving today. Its like I'm at war with myself, the sober and the drunk me fighting it out. I guess its because I don't want to deal with the sadness and the loneliness, but if I want to keep my life, I have to...and thàt, is really difficult, because there will always be a part of me that wants to throw it all away, that doesn't want to face reality.
I hope to God it gets easier. "They" say it does, but fucking when? I even get to the point where I feel like all I've learnt in rehab was bullshit, but thinking clearly, I know it wasn't. Once an addict, always an addict. Have to just grind my teeth and deal. Fortunately I've got great friends...thanks for the support Michelle. I felt too bad dragging everyone into this, so I just contacted a few...Andre, you're going through enough as is, don't want to give you more to worry about. hehe, will now probably receive comment from him....
So now, what did I do today??? Sweet blow f-all, ok, not really. A shitload of washing (boring), tried to watch dvd, but couldn't stay focused, tried to sleep, but my conscience wouldn't let me, drank way too much coffee, cried, had a couple of panick attacks. Let's see, what else? Oh, finally fell asleep for about an hour at 5. Great time for an afternoon nap ain't it??? Will have to get another sleeping pill from mummy tonight.
I guess the sadness stems from brother leaving for Australia again today. I'm gonna miss him. He has his uses, he takes the stress that my dad puts on me and my mom away, because now daddy has someone to talk to.
I really longed for a partner today. I miss someone to share with, someone to hold me when I'm down, someone to be happy together with. But yeah, I refuse to join a dating service. I even ignore the stuff on facebook. Don't know if its stupid or not, but thats me.
I feel like shit today. And on that note I'm going to log off.
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