OBSESSING

Had a very interesting day yesterday. First time in a long while that I didn't spend it at home. I actually got into my car and went somewhere. It was very therapeutic. I tend to forget that I have really great friends who will stand by me when I need it. It was so nice to talk about general things for a change, better than any anti-depressant I've ever tried.

Also realised that I tend to obsess about things when I can't get them, or if it doesn't go my way. It seems I am sort of turning into the person I don't want to be. The million dollar question is how to not do it. It's difficult to get out of this self-destructing cycle. My mind knows that it is wrong, and sometimes, I can even stop it, but lately I seem to have lost all control over my thought patterns and the actions that follow from them.

I used to be able to prevent myself from falling in love. I used to be able to talk myself out of these behaviours, but for the past four months I have no ability to do that. I want my self-control back, my realistic views on life. And I don't know where to start. I want to stop taking out my mistakes and issues on other people.

After rehab I was really on the pink cloud (for about a month). It has evaporated. The worst thing for me is when I lie in bed at night and some random image comes into my head about something I did when I was drunk. I (at one stage) could push these thoughts away, but can't anymore. The feelings of guilt, embarassment and just shame that go hand in hand with these thoughts and memories are terrible.

I can't seem to forgive myself for the hurt I've caused. The people who've I've hurt the most have forgiven me unconditionally (my parents), but I don't seem to be able to extend that one act of kindness towards myself. It is as if I feel like I don't deserve it. And I have to be honest and say that I have caused myself a lot of damage, especially emotionally.

I tend to get the idea that I started drinking to be able to "be there" initially. To be able to act in social situations, which I previously had no idea of how to do. Eventually I drank to disappear, thats when the major problems started. I still want to disappear. I was going to say sometimes, but it is frequently.

I also don't know how to feel. I am inept. Can't blame the parents, I'm too old to do that now, besides, it's my life. I don't think I'm making much sense at the moment, it is difficult to say these things, so I don't really know how to express them.