Little issues in the big picture

I just realised today, that I (probably some other people too) tend to get so wrapped up in the little things that I forget about the bigger picture. There are so many things that I have already accomplished that I ignore, or don't deem significant. There are so many other things I want to accomplish, but I tend to get stuck into a cycle of self-loathing and negativity, that I forget about it.

Okay, have to admit, the blog helps to get rid of the negativity and then I see the whole picture again. But I do tend to feel really stupid sometimes when I realise that I've been focusing on the wrong aspects of my day to day life.

So, I know I'm blessed. I have great friends, a wonderful family and a bright future. Why do I put so much worth into what other people who I first of all don't know very well, and second of all don't even like, think of me. When am I going to get rid of this part of me that always wants to please and to yearn for acceptance and people to like me. My God, I don't even like the majority of people on the planet, why would everyone like my. Haha, sometimes I wonder why anyone in their right mind would like me, but hey, maybe my friends are loonies!! I was seriously joking about that, but sometimes one wonders.....

I baked bread tonight!!!!!! Cannot believe it, and its delicious!!! I found that cooking and baking are wonderful pro-active stress relievers. Blogging works, but that is more for the mind, when you create something you can see and judge the results.

I do sort of feel guilty for not attending any AA meetings for the past couple of weeks, but everytime I think of it I get a negative feeling. I think that maybe I found a better way to cope with my problems and that the people who are closest to me provide a better support system than the AA. Well, my mom's been sober for over 30 years and she didn't attend AA. It's not the be all and end all. I don't trust the people with my feelings. Strange, I trust complete strangers (and some familiars) much more. Probably because I can express myself better in writing than by talking. I am also more honest with myself when I write.

I always enjoy writing when you get to that point where you don't think about what you're saying anymore, it just flows out. Once you've finished and read through you realise what you really said. That's what my journals were always like, this blog too sometimes. Haha, at least with typing I don't have to decipher it afterwards!!!! I really have ugly handwriting. If I were more brainy I could have been a doctor. Thankfully I have no desire to be one, never did. Want to really be a psychologist though. And for that I need to stop faffing about on the internet at night and baking bread and take my books, go sit at the desk and start to study. For crying out loud, I only need two more subjects to get my BA degree.

Anyhow, enough about that, I only make it worse. I think I'm going to go and have another slice of nice warm bread with butter and honey.