I feel vacant today. Maybe it is loneliness settling in for a quick stay again. It is one of those days where you miss something or someone, but you can't quite place who or what. I always used to say that I miss someone I haven't met yet. Could be just that.
I've been wondering today if it is normal to absolutely crave alcohol like I've been doing today. I had to have a very long and stern talk to myself to convince me of the negative effects it will have on my life if I even only have one drink. I know for a fact that I am not at a stage in my life where I'll be able to stop. Don't know if I'll ever be one of those lucky people who will be able to drink socially again. But on the other hand, I think it is up to oneself. You have the ability to live your life the way you want to, but on the other hand I have the insight to know I'll lose control. Don't want to do that, I've come to far and I am too much involved with getting my life on track again and building a future.
Possibly it could be that I am doing well and want to destroy everything again since I don't really know how to cope with happiness, contentness or success. I've never been able to handle it rationally. And then again, I've never been able to handle the negative stuff rationally either, else I would never have taken alcohol abuse to levels I did.
See, senseless musings. Round and round and round...
Reminds me of a quote a friend gave me once: We dance around in circles and suppose, while the answer sits in the middle and knows. Sounds like me at the moment.
Thank god for work, it keeps my mind busy and off all the cravings. I am munching chocolates, cookies and chips as if its going out of fashion...replacement therapy?????
Enough senselessness for one evening, I've got an assignment on child abuse to finish...bliss innit? Good topic, though heartwrenching.
Hapiness and bliss all around.
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