Out of chaos, nothing

It's been a while since I attempted writing anything about my life and myself. As usual it happens yet again when my emotions have gotten the better of me. Ugh, emotions, I wish I could deal with them like a normal person, but this brain of mind jumps into instant alcoholic mode and overrides all common sense. Then I want to run. Like now. I want out. I want away. I want serenity and calm. I want freedom from this uncomfortable pain that is sitting in my chest. But I can't. I have to deal with this. I have to feel it and go through it and let it tear me apart until I am at peace with it. It's hard. It's fucking hard. So, four years ago my rock, my dad passed away. He was my saviour and my knight in shining armour. No matter how badly I fucked up, he was there. And then he was not. But mom was still there. She was my heart, my emotional safety net. And we had her pension and my salary to live from. Life was good. I was sober, we lived relatively comfortable, mom was coping as best she could without dad. And then she got sick. It drained me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I still feel guilty for hiding in my room after work just wanting peace and quiet and no other stress. I still feel guilty for not talking to her more when I should have. I feel guilty for all those nights that I really just wanted to go and lie next to her but didn't because I was too afraid to extend myself. Fear, the ever present driving force behind my existence. And now she's gone. And I'm alone. I know it sounds melodramatic, but it feels as if the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders. Some days the effort of putting one foot in front of the other just seems too much. I'm lost. I'm heart-broken. I'm devastated. I don't know how to be a grown up. I have inherited responsibilities that I don't know if I can carry. I have to run a household, as an adult, and ensure that people get paid. I don't know how I'm going to manage. I've never had to. I earn less than what I have to pay each month. I sit at work for 8 hours a day, not just doing my own work, but doing that of others too, because they ignore instructions. I have no energy to even attempt to look after my house or myself. Sometimes I want to sit back and let it all go. Let the chips fall where they may. Let the shit hit the fan. Be like the sheeple and say "It's not my responsibility". Then wait and see what rises from the ashes of my burnt existence. But no, I've got this thing inside called people-pleasing. I don't want to let them down. No matter how many times I've been let down. God forbid I let them down and be less than what is expected. My bottom has been pulled out from under me. My foundation has cracked. It's falling apart at the seams. I have no safety net any longer. If I fall I will break. No matter, while I'm trying to stand, I'm breaking. The process just takes longer. Should I smash it? One big blow and its all over? No falling apart bit by bit, but in one epic move. Still, fear holds me back from that. The never answered question of "what if". I'm a wimp. A spineless creature who gets laughed at and bled dry at the same time. I'm a coward. That's the word I was looking for. A great big fucking coward. Be still my beating heart, for tomorrow you will face the same shit again.

Paralyzed By Fear

I don't know if it's the time of the year or just that I've been shaken a little, but I've been going through the spectrum of emotions in a matter of minutes. It's got me on edge. I don't know what to do, where to turn, which direction to go. I'm paralyzed by this and I know I must do something before the fear completely takes over and I get stuck in a place where I don't want to end up. I've just been living with the status quo for so long that it has become my reality. And it feels like the carpet has been pulled from under me, my safety net is gone. I'm in a perpetual state of panic with nothing to panic about. I'm scared with nothing to be afraid of except changing my views of myself. I'm a creature of comfort and this whole experience is driving me to the brink of madness. I burst into tears for no reason. My heart skips a beat for no reason. I feel happy and excited for no reason. And it scares the living daylights out of me, immediately throwing me into panic attack mode and crazy bitch overdrive. Times like these I want to scream stop the ride I want to get off, but it won't help. I'm drowning and I've forgotten how to swim. And not a soul in the world can do a thing about this but me and I'm terrified.

Note To Self

Man, am I a sucker for punishment. Especially if I can dole it out to myself. A bloody martyr, whip in hand, not letting up. For fuck's sake, when will I stop doing this? Will I never learn? Expectations get you nowhere really fast. People lie and are in it for themselves most of the time. And if you don't do it, no one will. So get over it. Let it go. Stop hurting yourself over and over waiting for something that will never happen. Get on with your life. You have more important things to do girl! Get that degree! Go out there, do the job you want to do. Do the work on yourself you want so badly to do! Set boundaries, read books. Enjoy the things you've lost in your year of grief and sadness. You have to be the one to cheer yourself on now. Dad's doing it from heaven, but you have to do it from here. No one is going to replace him ever. Did you honestly think there is room for a guy in your life at all? You, with all your issues and insecurities? Yes, you've come a long way, but hell, chickie, you've got a long way still to go before you fuck up anyone else with your stuff too. So let it go. You rejected yourself. Face it. You ran. You hid away. And you know why, you know you're not at all ready for the real world. Your heart is still in a million pieces, and you're still being cut every time you put some of it together. So take it easy girl. Be kinder to yourself. Do the next right thing. You know what it is. Take that extra time for yourself to heal the damage done by 42 years of self-hatred and perceived rejection. Do it now. It's the only chance you'll ever get, grab it with both hands. You know you want to. You know you can. You know you are capable of so much more, but you need to take time and patience with yourself and use love and kindness to heal.

Treading Softly Towards The Light

So, all this crap I’m going through at the moment is a learning curve. I’m getting in touch with parts of myself that I used to hide away from and used to run away from. And now I have the option to look at it and say OK, so what am going to do about it? It is not easy, and it is not comfortable at all. It freaks me out on all levels. All my crappy behaviour seems to have come out all at once. The constant need for approval, the craving for attention, that I push away anyway, the empty loneliness, the falling for people just because they are nice to me, because that’s what I do to avoid me, to take my focus off what is really going on. So when I don’t get what I so-called “want”, I have something or someone to blame. Usually myself for not being good/pretty/thin/friendly/nice/you name it enough. Truth is, that doesn’t really work for me anymore. Pretending to go back to default of being angry at the world and shaking my fist is all good for an hour or so, but I can’t live it anymore. I need more. I need peace with me. And I can only get that if I work through this. And I can only work through this if I acknowledge it and look at it honestly and say to it ok, its here, its part of me and I can work on it, one day at a time, step by step. As long as I don’t get caught up in the trappings of everyday life and ignore the importance of being me and just keep moving, and not stand still. I make life extra difficult for myself by placing too high expectations on me. I cannot be everything and I surely cannot do everything. But I can be better than I was yesterday. And I’m not alone. And I do have people that I can rely on. And this one gets me, every single time... asking for help... Dear God, I have the most difficult time admitting I can’t do something by myself. For fuck’s sake, I’m human!! But apparantly I expect me to be a super hero! And admitting my vulnerability is another no-no. As if I cannot show the world that I’m made of flesh and bone and stitched together by flaws and insecurities. Fear is one hell of a motivator isn’t it? It made me build a really strong wall. And all these words I have just typed and posting on Facebook, I cannot say out loud. Fear.... My glue. I just beg for strength and courage to keep going forward, ever further from hell.

From The Inside Out

Today was tough. If ever I have wanted to be swallowed and dissappear without a trace it was today. It started with something so small as not being able to remove a door from it’s hinges. Then I fell apart. If Dad was still here, I wouldn’t have had to do that on my own. If dad was still here, we wouldn’t have so much hassles with the plumbers coming out. If dad was still here, the gate would have been fixed months ago. If dad was still here, mom wouldn’t be so lonely. If dad was still here, I wouldn’t have to do so much of the stuff around the house that he used to do. And then I broke down and cried for hours. Sad thing is, I’m heartbroken today. Worst thing is, I can’t get the guts together to just ask someone to come and help me. I’m so used to being second or last on everyones’ lists that I don’t even bother anymore. And it hurts. And this is exactly how I’m not supposed to think. But I do. And I feel like this. So, besides from missing my father with everything I have, I’m lost in this sea of insecurity and being unsure about almost everything and everyone. It literally feels like someone has their fist around my heart. And there is no escape. The easy way out is not an option. No booze, pills or minora blade will give me permanent relief from this. It will only add guilt in the end. It seems I cannot save myself. And no one else will either.

Waging Wars

Jeez, emotions suck. As in really. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired before and its still not over. The waves still come crashing. For fucks sakes. Fucking insecurity and fear driving me insane. I’ve been crying, I’ve been talking, I’ve been writing and I’ve been praying. But almost anything sets me off. Fuck man. REJECTION. Where the fuck does that come from? Who the hell did something so terrible to me at one stage of my life that I cannot function now? I’m actually considering giving up everything. I sat on the edge of my bed last night and said out loud that I need a drink, but that’s not what I need. I don’t know what will make this better or make this go away. I really don’t. Today I was considering giving up the program and just not going to meetings anymore. That’s like cutting off my own nose to spite my face, but my insides do not say that. I want nothing to do with people. I literally want to stop existing when I feel like this. I want to die, but I’m not willing to kill myself. Too fucking sober to do it. I hate myself. I really do, and I cannot blame anyone for not wanting to spend any time with me, for if they see me as I see me they would hate me too. I’m screwed. Doomed to be for fucking ever by myself while the rest of the world goes merrily on its way. Fucking social skills of a rock. And same goes for the looks department. Fucking pity the doctor saved my life when I was born and none of the damn suicide attempts worked. Now I remember why it happened. My biggest fear was that people would look at me and see right through me and see what a horrible person I am. I guess they do. They see now what I see when I look at myself. Makes me want to throw up and kill it. Stab out the eyes, cut out the heart. Live no more to take up space and cause trouble and havoc and be a nuisance to others. Black hatred filled heart. I do not deserve to be here. I do not deserve to live and get anything in this life. The rejection I get is a mirror of what I deserve. That is what people see. They see my black soul. They see my doubts and my fears and the fact that I cannot talk to people and I cannot show people what goes on or even tell them. No one has ever taught me how to do it. And I am afraid that now it might be too late and all the chances that I had on the life that I might have lived are gone. Am I going to drink tonight? I doubt it. It’s not really what I want to do. I really just want to rip my heart out. And sleep for a lifetime. But that is not meant to be.

From the inside out

I've been overwhelmed with the urge to pen down my thoughts and emotions lately. There is so much going on inside my heart and head that need to get it out. It's amazing. The last time I wrote this much, I was still drinking. And my thoughts and emotions were just as jumbled then. On the one hand I've come really far these couple of years and on the other hand I have not moved an inch. I've been recapping all the things that are dragging me down and I have some idea about it. I've just finished a major part in my step-work. Looking at all my fears, resentments, guilt, et cetera and also what my part was in it. How I contributed to the whole situation. And it is very interesting to see how my childhood behaviour took over in alcoholism. I lied when I was scared, which was almost all the time. And almost everything was based on lies. My guilt is based on fear, lies and selfishness. My low self-esteem is based on fear and lies. Oh fuck man, the list goes on. I was standing outside just now, having a cigarette, thinking about perception and reality. My perception and the reality are so far apart its really not funny. Thank God I've developed some sense to see it. This stems all the way from when I was small. I felt so unloved and unwanted. God knows why, because I was showered in love and my parents and siblings really did all they could for me. I was just a selfish little brat at times. I really don't know what happened to make me so scared of people and of the world. And to give me that feeling that all the problems and everyone's burdens are my fault. But I've been carrying that around since I can remember. I really don't know why I always felt so fat and ugly. And unwanted. I was just shy and introverted. And a daydreamer. My friends were books. But I did well in swimming and in school. But that feeling of not being good enough has also followed me into adulthood. For 5 years I drank this away by being constantly drunk and shoving my fist and my middle finger at the world and everyone in it. I was rage. I was hate. I was self-pity and self-loathing. I wanted to die. But also not. And then for 5 years I put pieces of my life back together again and became a functioning person again. I do believe that things happen in the time that they are supposed to happen. If I had to take this journey earlier, I doubt that I would have been strong enough to deal with all the emotions that came loose from admitting to myself, my Higher Power and another person the exact nature of my wrongs. It shook loose the foundation of why I clung on to alcohol as a crutch. I now have alternatives. And this is not scaring me. This is freeing me. Wow. I realise that that little girl that is so hurt and fragile still needs a lot of nurturing and looking after. But I'll be ok, I'll be able to do it, as long as I keep on this road of recovery that I am on now. As long as I keep on hanging out with the people that I am hanging out now. As long as I stay grateful for that what I do have, and weary for that which wants to kill me. Yes, I'll be an emotional mess for a long time to be. But I'll be an OK one. I'm healing. One day at a time