THE BLUES HAS HIT THE TOWN

I went through it all today, sadness, loneliness, anger, irritation and a unhuman craving for booze. It felt like I was going crazy. It was the most difficult thing to NOT give in to the craving today. Its like I'm at war with myself, the sober and the drunk me fighting it out. I guess its because I don't want to deal with the sadness and the loneliness, but if I want to keep my life, I have to...and thàt, is really difficult, because there will always be a part of me that wants to throw it all away, that doesn't want to face reality.

I hope to God it gets easier. "They" say it does, but fucking when? I even get to the point where I feel like all I've learnt in rehab was bullshit, but thinking clearly, I know it wasn't. Once an addict, always an addict. Have to just grind my teeth and deal. Fortunately I've got great friends...thanks for the support Michelle. I felt too bad dragging everyone into this, so I just contacted a few...Andre, you're going through enough as is, don't want to give you more to worry about. hehe, will now probably receive comment from him....

So now, what did I do today??? Sweet blow f-all, ok, not really. A shitload of washing (boring), tried to watch dvd, but couldn't stay focused, tried to sleep, but my conscience wouldn't let me, drank way too much coffee, cried, had a couple of panick attacks. Let's see, what else? Oh, finally fell asleep for about an hour at 5. Great time for an afternoon nap ain't it??? Will have to get another sleeping pill from mummy tonight.

I guess the sadness stems from brother leaving for Australia again today. I'm gonna miss him. He has his uses, he takes the stress that my dad puts on me and my mom away, because now daddy has someone to talk to.

I really longed for a partner today. I miss someone to share with, someone to hold me when I'm down, someone to be happy together with. But yeah, I refuse to join a dating service. I even ignore the stuff on facebook. Don't know if its stupid or not, but thats me.

I feel like shit today. And on that note I'm going to log off.

LUNCH MUSINGS

Ahh, one good thing, the assignment is finished and mailed. Now I only have 3 more and one of them is statistics, which I'm terrible at, its the 4th time I'm taking it and I have to pass it this year.

I'm in weird place at the moment. I can't really figure out what I feel or how to behave. Had a huge argument with the Dad last night, was busy on the blog, and he was staring over my shoulder, wanting to know what I was doing. Now it is all good and well that I gave this site to certain friends and get visits through linkreferral, etc., but come on, I don't want them to know what my struggles are. They are worried enough and ageing quite rapidly, I don't want them to stress more. Also, I don't want to have to explain myself about these musings. It is to get it out of my system, not to worry them. Hopefully the game drive today will relax him.

Seriously glad the bro from Oz is here. Takes a lot of tension from me and my mom. Old men are too much, and to think I looked after them in England. Probably was easy because they are not family.

I've been thinking about my life again, and want I want from it. I have to start organising my finances to be able to move to Cape Town. Why does a credit card just take so long to get paid off? I have destroyed it, so haven't been using it for ages, but the amount on the statement just doesn't disappear.

Got some advice from a friend who says I should write down all the things I want and send it to the angels. Its time I start doing that...

Oh, and on the finances thing, I AM going to take N$500 and go to the second-hand bookstore and get some amazing books again. Thats what I really miss from London, the bookstores. You could get anything, here you have to go through Amazon or such to find the cool books. Have just bought the Kite runner, and am going to start it as soon as I finished the current book...can't wait, it looks really good.

Anyhoo, this is/was my lunch break, which I finally spent not eating sweets (craving fudge again). You'd swear I'm pregnant!! Fortunately (or maybe not) impossible.

Since its 2, I'll have to log off now, and get back to the real world.

QUITE TRUE ACTUALLY

You Are a Crossword Puzzle

You are well read, and you have a good head for remembering facts. You are a wordsmith. You have a way with words, and you're very literate. You are a mysterious person who enjoys dropping little clues every now and then.

What Kind of Puzzle Are You?

Senseless Musings of a Vacant Mind

I feel vacant today. Maybe it is loneliness settling in for a quick stay again. It is one of those days where you miss something or someone, but you can't quite place who or what. I always used to say that I miss someone I haven't met yet. Could be just that.

I've been wondering today if it is normal to absolutely crave alcohol like I've been doing today. I had to have a very long and stern talk to myself to convince me of the negative effects it will have on my life if I even only have one drink. I know for a fact that I am not at a stage in my life where I'll be able to stop. Don't know if I'll ever be one of those lucky people who will be able to drink socially again. But on the other hand, I think it is up to oneself. You have the ability to live your life the way you want to, but on the other hand I have the insight to know I'll lose control. Don't want to do that, I've come to far and I am too much involved with getting my life on track again and building a future.

Possibly it could be that I am doing well and want to destroy everything again since I don't really know how to cope with happiness, contentness or success. I've never been able to handle it rationally. And then again, I've never been able to handle the negative stuff rationally either, else I would never have taken alcohol abuse to levels I did.

See, senseless musings. Round and round and round...

Reminds me of a quote a friend gave me once: We dance around in circles and suppose, while the answer sits in the middle and knows. Sounds like me at the moment.

Thank god for work, it keeps my mind busy and off all the cravings. I am munching chocolates, cookies and chips as if its going out of fashion...replacement therapy?????

Enough senselessness for one evening, I've got an assignment on child abuse to finish...bliss innit? Good topic, though heartwrenching.

Hapiness and bliss all around.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud

And then it was over. Easter weekend is gone and the rat-race starts again. It was sooooo great having my friend here!! The weekend was great, though filled with a lot of temptation, but I stayed clean and sober, did not order that gin and tonic I wanted so badly. Feel good about it now, but I am exhausted. Feels like I need a week of sleep, definately away from home...

Now here's the best part, the dark cloud, my dad is convinced that I fell off the wagon. When I went to the airport, he went through my room, to see if there is any hidden booze there. I know he has reason from past experience to distrust me, but this hasn't happened once since I've been back from rehab, or so he says, (I know he went through my car one day). His words say he trusts me, but he doesn't. Thank god my mom does.

I'm at this moment see-sawing between anger, disgust and disappointment. For a change not in myself. It hurts man. I don't know how to react to this. My mom mentioned something to him about him nagging me, and now he is a thundercloud storming through the house. I'm sick of his tantrums and manipulative behaviour. He makes me feel guilty even though I haven't done anything.

I seriously need some advice or help on how to deal with this. He is one of the people that can hurt me with just a look. The one person I've always wanted to be accepted by but never felt that I've quite reach the mark, no matter how well I did or what I did. I should let this go, but its difficult. Issues...and then more issues.

Can't even get depressed in solitude. Damn.

Anyway, now I got this out of my system. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning, or maybe even sooner.

Three hours and counting!!!!!

Finally, Easter Weekend is waiting around the corner!!!! 3 more hours of slaving in front of the computer and then off to the airport to fetch my friend!!! Woohoo, I can't wait!!!!

And now, back to the salt mines.

This was just to get the happiness out there!!

YAHOO! (Except for the Eskom thing)

It's been a while. Thank God this website opened. I have no idea what is going on with the internet, but all the websites I try to open either take forever, or the server is lost. Apparently got something to do with load shedding, but Namibia doesn't have power problems, and I really can't understand why South Africa's power fuck up should influence our ability to get quick access to the internet. I didn't have problems previously. It seriously pisses me off.

Thank God my dad went fishing, some peace and quiet, but now my bro's mother in law is here, and granted, she is a nice lady, but I have enough shit at work as it is, I don't want to tell them about all the nitty-gritty stuff and my boss being a nosey know it all who doesn't know half. Man, it irritates me. Hehe, Andre isn't the only one with a negative blog, har har...

Anyhoo, on a way more positive note, MY FRIEND ARRIVES TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! And I cannot wait. Still scared about going to Swakop (the drinking thing) but I am strong-willed so I'll make it. And besides, I have a great support system in friends and family, even though the family drives me nuts at times, well, maybe most of the time.

I really need this long weekend. Not to worry about anything important.

Well, anyhow, thought it would be good for me to let off steam a little and find out what thoughts are roaming around in my head. Seems the answer to that is...not too many...hiehie!!

Gotta go now, I finally started studying and have assignments I want finished by tomorrow.

Good night!!

Little issues in the big picture

I just realised today, that I (probably some other people too) tend to get so wrapped up in the little things that I forget about the bigger picture. There are so many things that I have already accomplished that I ignore, or don't deem significant. There are so many other things I want to accomplish, but I tend to get stuck into a cycle of self-loathing and negativity, that I forget about it.

Okay, have to admit, the blog helps to get rid of the negativity and then I see the whole picture again. But I do tend to feel really stupid sometimes when I realise that I've been focusing on the wrong aspects of my day to day life.

So, I know I'm blessed. I have great friends, a wonderful family and a bright future. Why do I put so much worth into what other people who I first of all don't know very well, and second of all don't even like, think of me. When am I going to get rid of this part of me that always wants to please and to yearn for acceptance and people to like me. My God, I don't even like the majority of people on the planet, why would everyone like my. Haha, sometimes I wonder why anyone in their right mind would like me, but hey, maybe my friends are loonies!! I was seriously joking about that, but sometimes one wonders.....

I baked bread tonight!!!!!! Cannot believe it, and its delicious!!! I found that cooking and baking are wonderful pro-active stress relievers. Blogging works, but that is more for the mind, when you create something you can see and judge the results.

I do sort of feel guilty for not attending any AA meetings for the past couple of weeks, but everytime I think of it I get a negative feeling. I think that maybe I found a better way to cope with my problems and that the people who are closest to me provide a better support system than the AA. Well, my mom's been sober for over 30 years and she didn't attend AA. It's not the be all and end all. I don't trust the people with my feelings. Strange, I trust complete strangers (and some familiars) much more. Probably because I can express myself better in writing than by talking. I am also more honest with myself when I write.

I always enjoy writing when you get to that point where you don't think about what you're saying anymore, it just flows out. Once you've finished and read through you realise what you really said. That's what my journals were always like, this blog too sometimes. Haha, at least with typing I don't have to decipher it afterwards!!!! I really have ugly handwriting. If I were more brainy I could have been a doctor. Thankfully I have no desire to be one, never did. Want to really be a psychologist though. And for that I need to stop faffing about on the internet at night and baking bread and take my books, go sit at the desk and start to study. For crying out loud, I only need two more subjects to get my BA degree.

Anyhow, enough about that, I only make it worse. I think I'm going to go and have another slice of nice warm bread with butter and honey.

Blue Tuesday

Hehe...like the control your ocd ad google put on my site...are they trying to tell me something!! HAHA, fortunately one thing I don't suffer from. Though I've got a friend who does, and it seems like hell.

Anyhoo(t), I AM FRUSTRATED!!!!!! And no, not sexually, but come (pun???) to think about it, I should be. This is soooo workrelated its not funny. There is a complete lack of communication in that place. From top to bottom. And when it starts affecting your ability to do your work it is hell. I mean, I would like to be proud of the job I'm doing. I'm surely not lazy or unwilling to learn, but I get the idea that some people don't want me to learn or to succeed.

Without being too judgemental, it could be because they are lazy, and don't want to be shown up. Since I don't get an opportunity to learn what goes for what and how it is done, I probably won't know. I am really considering taking this up with the boss, but its not the best solution as of yet. Will see how I can figure this one out.

About the comment on the pictures needed on the blog...I know!! A digital camera would make me a great present...hehe!! And to add, Namibia looks gorgeous with all the rain we've been getting. Its actually GREEN, wow!! Makes one extremely grateful and awestruck.

After that little bitching session I feel way better. Got the daily quote on FB, and its great...I liked you better before I knew you so well!!! Ain't that true for a LOT of people!!!

Aaarghhhh...I need motivation to study. My UNISA books are not peeking at me anymore, they are glaring!!! Got to at least finish two of my assignments before Heidi comes to visit. Less stress on me and more fun for the weekend.

I just realised this will be the first time I go to Swakop and will be sober for the whole weekend!!! Strange, don't really know what to expect, or do, since a visit to the coast always was a huge drinking session (haha, even the drive there was...won't elaborate). Mmm, this time I can find out what its really all about, and no, I will NOT go fishing. Wish I was there yesterday though, the crayfish literally walked out of the ocean. Hope Tania picked some up so we can cook 'em. Reminds me, I should phone her about the bookings...

I really think I've said all there is to say right now, feel somewhat empty, but very much lighter.

Have fun and be good.

Sunday Hues

Finally I have time for myself again. Was working like crazy this week and after work I had no energy left to write anything. Even though I went to work today as well, I finished up early. Hope the bossman is happy.

I can't say that I really felt depressed this week. I did actually crave a drink about four times, but did not do anything about it, so I'm still clean. Goody, I deserve a noddy badge. Found that sarcasm is a great defense mechanism, but shouldn't overdo it.

I can't wait for Easter weekend!!! Firstly, my friend from Cape Town is coming up for a visit!!! Woo-hoo!!! And we will be going to Swakopmund for a couple of days...Will do me wonders to get away for a while. I realised that even if I feel like I don't have time to write, I should do it anyway, since it is the best way to get rid of sadness and depression without hurting anyone, including myself.

And I should really start studying. There are no excuses left and I REALLY want my degree at the end of this year. Hopefully it will open some doors for me to start getting experience in the psychology field. I don't want to work in accounts forever. That will make me completely and utterly bonkers.

I've had my share of bad news this week. Two of my friends from rehab fell off the wagon and are drinking like it is going out of fashion. Fortunately it is not the end of the world. Hopefully they will both realise why they are trying to destroy themselves and start working on it. All I can do is pray for them and encourage them to face whatever they have to.

My mom's cat died on Saturday. She was very old, but my poor mom is very sad. She adored that cat and the cat adored her. Now she has to cope with my two crazy and energetic cat-mongrels running around. Fortunately they are lovable.

Ha ha, I wonder what Andre will say when he reads this...he had a blog-bitching session about people who blog about their cats...and here I go as well!!!

I'm a little jealous of my Capetonian friend. She seems to have found herself a man, and I'm STILL single. But, she deserves all the happiness life can give her and more. I just wish it will happen to me too, but I know deep down inside that I have way too many issues that any man will want to put up with, and as "they" say, you have to be happy with yourself first...

Anyway, I am going to relax for the rest of this wonderful and rainy Sunday. Maybe make some pancakes, we'll see, cook some dinner for the folks and just really relax.

READING AND WRITING

I have to thank everyone for their reviews so far (no, I'm not left-handed). And thanks for the prayers, they helped. I seem to be lifting out of the daze of depression, albeit slowly. Picked up my Paulo Coelho book again and finally finished it. That man can write. Every single book he has ever written lifts me up and almost brings tears to my eyes. To be able to have his faith and people skills! All I can say is wow. (I just finished Like the flowing river).

The only other significant thing I did today was to go out and spend most of my pay check on bills. How utterly annoying. Why, why, why? Oh, well, I suppose I did make the debt, so I do have to pay it. Ha, and to make it easier, I bought a cd on credit...my brain doesn't function does it?

I'm sorta speechless tonight, not much to say, or rather, I have a lot on my mind but not when I'm in front of the computer...I used to keep a journal, which was basically the same as my blog. I still find it strange that I, of all people, am writing on the web where other people can read it too. Most of the time it is all the things I have trouble expressing to people in real life, or things I don't want to say out loud. My shrink should NOT read this, he'll realise that I haven't told him half of it in the past 2 years or so. Which reminds me, I should probably go and see him again sometime to give overview of how I'm doing now that I'm going off my meds. Thankfully better. Way less suicidal and not so deeply depressed. I actually see the light at the end of the tunnel (even if it might be a train).

Anyhow, I am going to crawl into bed now with the 2 schnookies (my furry friends Bonnie and Clyde, the wonderful cats), and listen to Sarah Brightman and finish my other book, A million little pieces (about addiction and rehabilitation, but very heavy).

HELPLESS

I feel really helpless. A friend of mine is going through a very tough time and there is not much I can do to help, except pray for her, and even that seems futile to me. I want all the good things in life for her, but can't give them. It's really unfair.

So tonight, I will spare two of my guardian angels and send them to her to help her carry her burden. I will pray and pray and pray, since it is all I can do. And God willing, we will all surface with lighter hearts and love in our lives.

I am there for you girl, even though I am far away.

A BED OF NAILS

Was listening to the NBK soundtrack today and came across some REALLY great Nine Inch Nails songs as well as my old fave Leonard Cohen. I sometimes live my life through the lyrics of songs since they make complete sense to me as to where I am at that stage.

Take for instance NIN: "My favourite dreams of you still wash ashore, scraping through my head till I don't wanna sleep anymore. You make this go away, I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away, I just want something I can never have." Or Leonard Cohen: "Baby I've waiting, I've been waiting night and day. I didn't see time, and I've waited half my life away. But I was waiting for the miracle to come."

And no, I am not depressing myself listening to this. It is as if a weight gets lifted from my shoulders after listening to such music. The same effect as writing has on me.

Since I grew up in a house where emotions weren't really showed, I have learned to be able to live through music and books. Thank God I have a great imagination, especially for reading, the best hobby a person can ever have. I have also never learned how to acceptably show emotions. It is either too little or too much. I'm like a baby having to learn from scratch, but there is no one to help me and show me the way. And now my emotions are all over the place. I (want to say nearly, but that won't be true) became a sms stalker. Couldn't leave someone alone. Another thing on my list to be utterly ashamed of. I don't even want to think about it, I cringe at the idea. How low do I have to go?

Since it is Sunday, and we have had wonderful rain (again), I will be saying goodnight...and good luck. Hopefully the rains continue, so this desert of a country can have some green again (although the north is flooding...)

RANDOM MEMORIES

Gmf, really getting sick of this subject, but maybe blogging will get it out of my mind. Why is it that my brain seems to be able to sort of forget him but my body refuses to? I can actually feel the way he kissed me and held me. Strange. Maybe I've developed a new addiction. And this happens completely randomly. I could be sitting in front of the computer at work or driving somewhere in my car.

Found a really weird but rather funny and interesting site (read about it in the paper and checked it out) called hatebook, an antithesis to facebook apparently, but it is just a bunch of people blurting out the stuff they hate. Quite cool, but I prefer blogging, you get to be more honest and you feel safer in the environment.

I basically went there to see if someone hasn't posted anything on me yet, surprisingly not.

I really hope and pray that I get over this soon. I believe I will, but I'm not very patient and I want it to happen now.

That's all from me for now!

OBSESSING

Had a very interesting day yesterday. First time in a long while that I didn't spend it at home. I actually got into my car and went somewhere. It was very therapeutic. I tend to forget that I have really great friends who will stand by me when I need it. It was so nice to talk about general things for a change, better than any anti-depressant I've ever tried.

Also realised that I tend to obsess about things when I can't get them, or if it doesn't go my way. It seems I am sort of turning into the person I don't want to be. The million dollar question is how to not do it. It's difficult to get out of this self-destructing cycle. My mind knows that it is wrong, and sometimes, I can even stop it, but lately I seem to have lost all control over my thought patterns and the actions that follow from them.

I used to be able to prevent myself from falling in love. I used to be able to talk myself out of these behaviours, but for the past four months I have no ability to do that. I want my self-control back, my realistic views on life. And I don't know where to start. I want to stop taking out my mistakes and issues on other people.

After rehab I was really on the pink cloud (for about a month). It has evaporated. The worst thing for me is when I lie in bed at night and some random image comes into my head about something I did when I was drunk. I (at one stage) could push these thoughts away, but can't anymore. The feelings of guilt, embarassment and just shame that go hand in hand with these thoughts and memories are terrible.

I can't seem to forgive myself for the hurt I've caused. The people who've I've hurt the most have forgiven me unconditionally (my parents), but I don't seem to be able to extend that one act of kindness towards myself. It is as if I feel like I don't deserve it. And I have to be honest and say that I have caused myself a lot of damage, especially emotionally.

I tend to get the idea that I started drinking to be able to "be there" initially. To be able to act in social situations, which I previously had no idea of how to do. Eventually I drank to disappear, thats when the major problems started. I still want to disappear. I was going to say sometimes, but it is frequently.

I also don't know how to feel. I am inept. Can't blame the parents, I'm too old to do that now, besides, it's my life. I don't think I'm making much sense at the moment, it is difficult to say these things, so I don't really know how to express them.