This has been an akward day for me. I went to my meeting for the first time in about a month last night. It was really good. One guy shared his life story and it hit home quite hard, but also brought me back to my reality of alcoholism. It gave me hope and empathy again. And the strength to face the future.
But then today happened. My collegue was in a bad mood and took it out on me. Treated me like a child. I was overly sensitive and couldn't deal with it properly. My friend that usually listens to me is in such a deep depression that she can only think about herself and her problems. I am at the moment getting irritated with her which is such a bad thing for her. I just wish she would get up and do something physically to get her out of her rut. Sometimes even I don't completely comprehend severe depression, even though I suffer from it as well.
Maybe my alcholism makes me see life differently, or maybe I judge outsiders differently than myself. i can be very harsh on myself, but at times I can also be completely ignorant about any faults I may have.
It's difficult to want to say to someone get off their ass and clean the place themselves, even if it is a little at a time, than bitch about the fact that you don't have money to pay a maid to do it. I've started feeling like she's been hinting that I should pay for the cleaning. I know this is not the case, but when someone carries on and on and on about the same shit the whole time, and when it is shit they can fix, it drains you.
Don't get me wrong. I love her to bits. She has stood by me through thick and thin and still does. I will never jeopordise our friendship, and I try to do what I can. But there is only so much a person can do. I'm basically blowing off steam.
I'm exhausted and don't want to think anymore.
xxx
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Yearning
Broken hearts or shattered dreams
Molded like a shadow on a frozen stream
Melting in my palm from a silent scream
Whispers in the night got blown away with the wind
You're a cold breeze on a summer day
You pass by but you never stay
Kiss me here and come what may.
Molded like a shadow on a frozen stream
Melting in my palm from a silent scream
Whispers in the night got blown away with the wind
You're a cold breeze on a summer day
You pass by but you never stay
Kiss me here and come what may.
Standing on the edge
I have come to a point in the road where I just don't know which way to go. I don't know what I'm feeling. Everything inside me is muddled up. I know there is a lot of sadness inside. Most of it is for myself. I'm angry at myself for the things I threw away during my life. And sometimes I still feel like a little girl who needs a to be protected and told that all is going to be OK. There are no monsters in the closets or under the bed. That they are only in my head, but I'm grown up, and I know it not to be true. The monsters are out there. My mind being one of the biggest monsters out there. They don't hide in closets or under beds, they walk the streets in broad daylight. Lurking in shops, at work and everywhere you go.
I sometimes feel that I stand alone at the edge of a cliff. Only the wings of my Guardian Angel are holding me from falling, because I don't know how I keep on going but I do. Even though the loneliness is tearing me apart inside, I keep on going. Even though sometimes the regret for the pain I've caused knocks me to my knees, I keep on going. It is not by my own strength. I have thought about suicide too many times for it to be by my will alone. Even during sobriety. Something bigger than me is holding me up. Keeping me alive. Urging me forward. Making me fall asleep before I can take out the minora blade. Keeping me away from that first drink.
But through it all there is still the cliff, still the sadness, still the darkness, still the crossroads, still the neverending loneliness. I am guided, one day at a time. I should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Oh, but it is difficult. Especially workwise. It seems that when I was still drinking my ex-bosses gave me good references and now that I am clean and sober they try to break me down by telling all future employers about my alcoholic past. I feel somehow trapped. But I also feel blessed. To have broken out of the cycle of self destruction althouth I do still tend towards self hatred. As the promises say, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
Even though I am very down and lonely at the moment, at least I know what I am feeling. At least I am not running to a bottle store. At least I have no compulsion to run to one. At least I have a group of people who understand where I am coming from, because they have also been through hell. And they accept me for who I am. Just a pity I have not yet broken through my self-loathing enough to accept that. But I am moving forward, not backward, that is important.
What did Mias say? Life on Life's terms.
I sometimes feel that I stand alone at the edge of a cliff. Only the wings of my Guardian Angel are holding me from falling, because I don't know how I keep on going but I do. Even though the loneliness is tearing me apart inside, I keep on going. Even though sometimes the regret for the pain I've caused knocks me to my knees, I keep on going. It is not by my own strength. I have thought about suicide too many times for it to be by my will alone. Even during sobriety. Something bigger than me is holding me up. Keeping me alive. Urging me forward. Making me fall asleep before I can take out the minora blade. Keeping me away from that first drink.
But through it all there is still the cliff, still the sadness, still the darkness, still the crossroads, still the neverending loneliness. I am guided, one day at a time. I should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Oh, but it is difficult. Especially workwise. It seems that when I was still drinking my ex-bosses gave me good references and now that I am clean and sober they try to break me down by telling all future employers about my alcoholic past. I feel somehow trapped. But I also feel blessed. To have broken out of the cycle of self destruction althouth I do still tend towards self hatred. As the promises say, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
Even though I am very down and lonely at the moment, at least I know what I am feeling. At least I am not running to a bottle store. At least I have no compulsion to run to one. At least I have a group of people who understand where I am coming from, because they have also been through hell. And they accept me for who I am. Just a pity I have not yet broken through my self-loathing enough to accept that. But I am moving forward, not backward, that is important.
What did Mias say? Life on Life's terms.
Fearful ramblings on 15 June 2011
Although I'm really frightened to do this, I thind I should. I'm scared because putting it down on paper makes it even more real than when it's only running around in my head.
At this moment in time I'm very tense and scared. The tension I can understand to a certain extent. My future is a bit dicy at the moment. I don't know where I'm going after this job. I'm waiting on my exam results and once again I have that feeling of doing everything wrong the whole time.
I have no idea why I'm so overly sensitive. Someone can just look at me in a certain way and I'll either want to have a panic attack or burst into tears.
This past weekend was hell. I ended up crying myself to sleep almost every night. Ether is only so much loneliness one person can take. I think the worst was the realisation that OK, I won't turn to alcohol again, but I might start cutting myself or go into suicidal mode again. Having those thoughts and feelings whilst sober are quite honestly very terrifying.
At this moment in time I'm very tense and scared. The tension I can understand to a certain extent. My future is a bit dicy at the moment. I don't know where I'm going after this job. I'm waiting on my exam results and once again I have that feeling of doing everything wrong the whole time.
I have no idea why I'm so overly sensitive. Someone can just look at me in a certain way and I'll either want to have a panic attack or burst into tears.
This past weekend was hell. I ended up crying myself to sleep almost every night. Ether is only so much loneliness one person can take. I think the worst was the realisation that OK, I won't turn to alcohol again, but I might start cutting myself or go into suicidal mode again. Having those thoughts and feelings whilst sober are quite honestly very terrifying.
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