Standing on the edge

I have come to a point in the road where I just don't know which way to go. I don't know what I'm feeling. Everything inside me is muddled up. I know there is a lot of sadness inside. Most of it is for myself. I'm angry at myself for the things I threw away during my life. And sometimes I still feel like a little girl who needs a to be protected and told that all is going to be OK. There are no monsters in the closets or under the bed. That they are only in my head, but I'm grown up, and I know it not to be true. The monsters are out there. My mind being one of the biggest monsters out there. They don't hide in closets or under beds, they walk the streets in broad daylight. Lurking in shops, at work and everywhere you go.

I sometimes feel that I stand alone at the edge of a cliff. Only the wings of my Guardian Angel are holding me from falling, because I don't know how I keep on going but I do. Even though the loneliness is tearing me apart inside, I keep on going. Even though sometimes the regret for the pain I've caused knocks me to my knees, I keep on going. It is not by my own strength. I have thought about suicide too many times for it to be by my will alone. Even during sobriety. Something bigger than me is holding me up. Keeping me alive. Urging me forward. Making me fall asleep before I can take out the minora blade. Keeping me away from that first drink.

But through it all there is still the cliff, still the sadness, still the darkness, still the crossroads, still the neverending loneliness. I am guided, one day at a time. I should not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Oh, but it is difficult. Especially workwise. It seems that when I was still drinking my ex-bosses gave me good references and now that I am clean and sober they try to break me down by telling all future employers about my alcoholic past. I feel somehow trapped. But I also feel blessed. To have broken out of the cycle of self destruction althouth I do still tend towards self hatred. As the promises say, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Even though I am very down and lonely at the moment, at least I know what I am feeling. At least I am not running to a bottle store. At least I have no compulsion to run to one. At least I have a group of people who understand where I am coming from, because they have also been through hell. And they accept me for who I am. Just a pity I have not yet broken through my self-loathing enough to accept that. But I am moving forward, not backward, that is important.

What did Mias say? Life on Life's terms.