The neverending dilemma

And how do you deal with this one. I sorta figured out I need a man, but I don't think just for sex. I really don't think I'll be able to cope with a one night stand at this point in time. I just need the physical contact from someone who cares for me.

But I won't get it, because that person does not exist, probably never has and never will. God this sucks. I don't know which way to turn anymore.

But honestly, if I look at my dad, I never want a man. He is a good man, yes, but if I end up in such a relationship as my parents have, I will surely kill someone, even if it has to be me. Its like a catch 22, I want it, but I also don't.

Aaarrrghhh!!! Someone save me from this hell that is my mind!!!!

And why do I have this feeling like everyone is lying to me????

Regrets

OK, so the previous entry was probably a bit extreme, but that was how I felt. I still feel like that, but I also realise that it is not realistic. I've lost my perspective a long time ago, don't know how to go about getting it back. There are a lot of things I've lost that I don't know how to get back.

Sometimes when I sit and think about things my life is one long road of regrets. Regrets about things I've done and things I haven't. I internalise too much, and take the blame for everything on myself. It probably has to do with my dad and how he treated me as a child, and as a matter of fact, still treats me. If someone's in a bad mood, I wonder what I've done wrong, or why they don't like me, etc. In 99% of the cases their attitude has got nothing to do with me. What do I have to do to stop being such a people pleaser?

I mean, for crying out loud, this cannot go on forever, I have to stop this cycle sometime, and the sooner the better. I just don't know how. Sad, isn't it.

I'm just extremely lonely today, and its always worse on Sundays, especially in winter. And also, I want to run away from myself. I don't want to face up to any truths about my so-called life. Not even the good things. I'm in limbo.

Anyway, I'm going to watch some tv, and hopefully sleep well and feel better tomorrow. We'll see.

I need a magic wand

Today my life feel like a neverending maize of questions. A lot of why's that have no answer, and if anyone does have the answer, they don't want to share it with me. I don't suppose its a good thing lying in bed and wondering about it all, but no use being like an ostrich and hiding your head in the sand either. I have so many things that bother me, especially from my past.

I've just realised how much money I have wasted through my 8 years in Namibia. London does NOT count for a waste of money. And I'm turning 35 next month and have not achieved a single thing that I can honestly say that I'm proud of.

Pride, another thing bothering me. I have to much of a sense of pride, albeit a false one. I can hardly ever admit to being wrong, I justify all my shortcomings and wrongdoings. The best of it is, I usually convince other people to believe it. I wonder if there is an ounce of an honest and caring person in me. Some days I really doubt it.

I wish God would come and take his big eraser and wipe me and everything I've done in my life and all memories anyone has of me from the face of this earth. I can't live with myself like this any longer. It hurts too much and I'm too ashamed of everything. And no, it does not spring from my alcoholic phase, this comes from way beyond that. I've been a liar and a cheat my whole life. How my parents can even think of loving me is beyond my comprehension. And I still have friends. What the hell are they doing with me? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve anyone.

Fuck this, gotta go, or I'll start crying.

All apologies

Lyrics by Kurt Cobain...

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay

What else should I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun, In the sun I feel as one
In the sun, In the sun, I'm married, buried, buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything's my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua sea-foam shame
Sunburn with freezer-burn
Chocking on the ashes of her enemy

In the sun, In the sun I feel as one
In the sun, In the sun, I'm married, buried, buried.

Now, I was sort of planning to do one of the AA steps on my blog tonight where I write down all the hurt I've caused people in my abusing stage. But I was working too hard today to even think about it, and also, my mood is way too silly to take it seriously.

Have been listening to Sinead O'Connor though, and the lyrics of the above song really touched me (yet again). I haven't listened to this particular CD in ages, but its good.

Anyhow, I feel like going out clubbing and having fun. But on the other hand I'm so exhausted that I'll be really crappy company. Never mind the 3 glasses of wine, glass of champers and beer I had at work. It was fun though.

What I do suggest for myself is getting into bed early and sleeping very late tomorrow. Fuck the fact that I'm horny as hell (still)...excuse the pun????

Gotta go, my bed awaits.

Thoughts on a lonely Thursday

Well, I can send sms's again...a friend borrowed me his old phone until I get mine fixed. Nice thing to do when you get drunk...smash your screen. I don't even remember what/who I was so angry at. Another great thing about getting really drunk...you don't remember. Apparently I made a date with a friend, she mailed me the next day to apologise for not showing and I didn't even know what she was on about. I'm seriously not reliable when drunk, but I am a reliable drunk if you catch my drift...hahahaha.

Oh, wll, I'm feeling feckle tonight. That's on the one hand. On the other I'm irritated as hell, and also lonely, horny, and up for a good laugh. Now if this makes sense to anyone, they have lots of screws missing. I don't understand it and its my thoughts and emotions anyway. But then again, I hardly ever really understand myself. Ok, that's not true. I understand myself very well, its the other people I don't get, and they don't get me most of the time either. No fucking wonder I'm single. Or maybe its because I'm ugly and fat and irritating and generally needy once given attention. Lets not forget overenthusiastic, no self esteem (on the looks side) and over sensitive. Absofuckinglutely great combination for anyone to look for in a girlfriend innit?

Maybe I should just run far far away, but the fuckup is that I'll be there. Suicide is too much of a hassle, specially for the ones left behind, never mind the act itself. I won't be able to kill myself violently, so it'll have to be an OD, but you have no guarantee of success. And really, I don't want to be a vegetable for my remaining years. Na-ah, then I'd rather try and cope with the crap that is called my life and wake up every morning hoping that today will be THE day that things happen.

And as always, I get stuck in the day to day stuff and when you blink, the day is over, and I have not gotten any further than yesterday. But I am still alive, physically, emotionally is a huge ?. I can still hope that tomorrow something will change. Yeah, I know, change depends on oneself, but not all change. A lot of it has to do with the outside world too. I'm not one of those "The Secret" people who believe that through positive thoughts you will realise all your dreams. Been pushed down to often, I generally lash out.

Ahhh, talking about lashing out, had an interesting train of thought the other day. I got a surprising phone call from someone who I thought didn't want anything more to do with me, and honestly, he shouldn't want to. I pushed the limits of that "friendship" far beyond the limits. But anyway, I was thinking about the fact, that because I got hurt, I put blame on him, said to my friends that I didn't want anything to do with him, blah, blah. But I hurt myself, I knew the truth of the situation, and still tried to change it to something else. I know he is a great guy, and truthfully, I was more angry at me than at him. So now, please explain why we struggle to accept the truth of the matter and why do we end up saying terrible things about people when we are hurt. They might be hurting too, and by doing this we are causing more harm, not only to other people, but to ourselves and our perspectives and ethics. This is actually one of life's little problems I only recently started thinking about. Maybe I should just call myself a bitch.

Anyhow, I feel like breaking something. Noooo, not my phone. Maybe something like taking up a sledgehammer and hammering the bejesus out of an old building or something. Aarghhh, frustration, anger, irritation (mostly at myself...all of them)

Now I think that on this wonderfully positive note I will rush from this website and go and have a cigarette.

Cutted Off

OK, I feel way better since last time. And I've been sorta clean...

I am tired, and feel like I don't have emotions. Its a strange feeling, don't know how to express it. Haven't been doing much with myself this week except the work thing, fortunately we are busy, so I can keep my mind off any negative thoughts.

I have to work again tomorrow, so it gives me a great excuse to to go to the memorial service. I've never been to one of those, or even a funeral, as a matter of fact. I also don't have anyone who'll go with me, so its better that way. I might go up to the Thule hotel for a drink, since that is the last place we went to socially before he got involved in the woman who is now his widow.

Anyway, I am just sick and tired, so very, very tired. Wish I could sleep the whole weekend. Might just do that after work tomorrow.

I'm cut off from the world since my cell phone is broken...no smsing!!! I feel lost.

At times like these I always want to be somewhere far away, where I don't know anyone and where no one can contact me. But everytime that happened in the past I ended up getting really sozzled and inviting everyone over!!! I don't make sense. Not even to myself. How the fuck should anyone else understand me.

If this is it

OK, if I can't be honest here, I can't be anywhere. I fell off the wagon big time. Went on a drinking binge, haha, and don't feel any better, completely the opposite, I feel worse. Not only did I disappoint myself, I hurt the people who love me.

And the worst of all, one of my good friends shot himself.

I'm sorry, generally I'm relatively poetic and have nice words, but not now, there is now nice way to express anything that has happened since Sunday. Worst is, I wish I was him.

I don't know how to deal.

To wish for destructive things

Tonight, as I sit here, alone again, I miss my best friend. I wish I could have you with me, I wish I could drown myself in the escape you offer. I wish I wish I wish. But I know, your promises are empty, your price too high. Why did you start controlling my life? Why could I not let you go. And for God's sake, why am I still craving you? Can you not leave me alone. Can you not evaporate like you do when cooked? How long before this process of healing will be done?

To be able to walk into a store, buy as much of you as I can, go and sit somewhere all by myself and drown away all the pain, the loneliness, the tears that are always near the surface but seem to be reluctant to emerge, the emptiness, the screams and anger. How nice that would be. If only there was no tomorrow where the price will have to be paid with guilt and shame. With even more loneliness and pain. If only you were cheaper.

To be able to go into a bar, to just have enough to get the courage to talk to a man, to be "yourself"...without the shame in the morning. But no, you will strip me of all I deem as good. You will rip out my soul, tear me to pieces. You will trample on my heart, you will take my job, my money, my family. You already took my dignity once, and now that I nearly have it back you want it again. You will never rest until I am in the gutters of life, an empty shell who's only solace is in a bottle of cheap wine I'll have to beg.

No, you won't take me. I deserve better. I want more from life, I deserve the best from life. I am worthwile, and you will NEVER take my soul, my life and my dignity again. I will find healthy ways to cope with me.

Remaining open to love...

Ok, so I bought this book again after giving my copy to the infamous Doc. Don't know it he's got it yet, haven't asked Heids if she's given it to him yet, can't ask him since we don't have contact, but anyhoo, I'm seriously digressing, don't wanna talk about all THAT again, it's over and done with. So anyway, this great collection of pieces by Paulo Coelho in Like the Flowing River. Great piece on love, which I'd sorta like to quote:

"There are times when we long to be able to help someone whom we love very much, but we can do nothing. Circumstances will not allow us to approach them, or the person is closed off to any gesture of solidarity and support.
Then all we are left with is love. At such times, when we can do nothing else, we can still love - without expecting any reward or change or gratitude.
If we do this, the energy of love will begin to transform the universe about us. Wherever this energy appears, it always achieves its ends. 'Time does not transform man. Will-power does not transform man. Love transforms' says Henry Drummond."

"Love transforms and love cures; but, sometimes, love builds deadly traps and can end up destroying a person who had resolved to give him or herself completely. What is this complex feeling which, deep down,is the only reason we continue to live, struggle and improve?
It would be irrisponsible of me to attempt to define it, because I, along with every other human being, can only feel it. Thousands of books have been written on the subject, plays have been put on, films produced, poems composed, sculptures carved out of wood or marble; andyet all any artist can convey it the idea of a feeling, not the feeling itself.
But I have learnt that this feeling is present in the small things, and manifests itself in the most insignificant of our actions. It is necessary, therefore, to keep love always in mind, regarless of whether or not we take action.
Picking up the phone and saying the affectionate words we have been postponing. Opening the door to someone who needs our help. Accepting a job. Leaving a job. Taking a decision that we were putting off for later. ASking forgiveness for a mistake we made and which keeps niggling at us. Demanding a right that is ours. Opening an accoung at the local florist's, which is a far more important shop than the jeweller's. Putting music on really loud when the person you love is far away, and turning the volume down when he or she is near. Knowing when to say 'yes' and 'no', because love works with all our energies. Discovering a sport that can be played by two. Not following any recipe, not even those contained in this paragraph, because love requires creativity.
And when none of this is possible, when all that remains is loneliness, then remember this story that a reader once sent me.
A rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals.
The flower, however, continued to dream. During the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun.
One night, the moon, who knew of the rose's loneliness, asked: 'Aren't you tired of waiting?'
'Possibly, but I have to keep trying.'
'Why?'
'Because if I don't remain open, I will simply fade away.'
At times, when loneliness seems to crush all beauty, the only way to resist is to remain open."

And sometimes other people say what I feel much better than I can ever imagine to express myself. Sometimes his words make me want to cry, not from sadness, but I think from the hope he restores and the beauty he creates in his books.

On that note I have been chased off the net by the dad, who needs the phone (still the dial up connection...)