Today my life feel like a neverending maize of questions. A lot of why's that have no answer, and if anyone does have the answer, they don't want to share it with me. I don't suppose its a good thing lying in bed and wondering about it all, but no use being like an ostrich and hiding your head in the sand either. I have so many things that bother me, especially from my past.
I've just realised how much money I have wasted through my 8 years in Namibia. London does NOT count for a waste of money. And I'm turning 35 next month and have not achieved a single thing that I can honestly say that I'm proud of.
Pride, another thing bothering me. I have to much of a sense of pride, albeit a false one. I can hardly ever admit to being wrong, I justify all my shortcomings and wrongdoings. The best of it is, I usually convince other people to believe it. I wonder if there is an ounce of an honest and caring person in me. Some days I really doubt it.
I wish God would come and take his big eraser and wipe me and everything I've done in my life and all memories anyone has of me from the face of this earth. I can't live with myself like this any longer. It hurts too much and I'm too ashamed of everything. And no, it does not spring from my alcoholic phase, this comes from way beyond that. I've been a liar and a cheat my whole life. How my parents can even think of loving me is beyond my comprehension. And I still have friends. What the hell are they doing with me? I don't deserve them. I don't deserve anyone.
Fuck this, gotta go, or I'll start crying.
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