Well, I can send sms's again...a friend borrowed me his old phone until I get mine fixed. Nice thing to do when you get drunk...smash your screen. I don't even remember what/who I was so angry at. Another great thing about getting really drunk...you don't remember. Apparently I made a date with a friend, she mailed me the next day to apologise for not showing and I didn't even know what she was on about. I'm seriously not reliable when drunk, but I am a reliable drunk if you catch my drift...hahahaha.
Oh, wll, I'm feeling feckle tonight. That's on the one hand. On the other I'm irritated as hell, and also lonely, horny, and up for a good laugh. Now if this makes sense to anyone, they have lots of screws missing. I don't understand it and its my thoughts and emotions anyway. But then again, I hardly ever really understand myself. Ok, that's not true. I understand myself very well, its the other people I don't get, and they don't get me most of the time either. No fucking wonder I'm single. Or maybe its because I'm ugly and fat and irritating and generally needy once given attention. Lets not forget overenthusiastic, no self esteem (on the looks side) and over sensitive. Absofuckinglutely great combination for anyone to look for in a girlfriend innit?
Maybe I should just run far far away, but the fuckup is that I'll be there. Suicide is too much of a hassle, specially for the ones left behind, never mind the act itself. I won't be able to kill myself violently, so it'll have to be an OD, but you have no guarantee of success. And really, I don't want to be a vegetable for my remaining years. Na-ah, then I'd rather try and cope with the crap that is called my life and wake up every morning hoping that today will be THE day that things happen.
And as always, I get stuck in the day to day stuff and when you blink, the day is over, and I have not gotten any further than yesterday. But I am still alive, physically, emotionally is a huge ?. I can still hope that tomorrow something will change. Yeah, I know, change depends on oneself, but not all change. A lot of it has to do with the outside world too. I'm not one of those "The Secret" people who believe that through positive thoughts you will realise all your dreams. Been pushed down to often, I generally lash out.
Ahhh, talking about lashing out, had an interesting train of thought the other day. I got a surprising phone call from someone who I thought didn't want anything more to do with me, and honestly, he shouldn't want to. I pushed the limits of that "friendship" far beyond the limits. But anyway, I was thinking about the fact, that because I got hurt, I put blame on him, said to my friends that I didn't want anything to do with him, blah, blah. But I hurt myself, I knew the truth of the situation, and still tried to change it to something else. I know he is a great guy, and truthfully, I was more angry at me than at him. So now, please explain why we struggle to accept the truth of the matter and why do we end up saying terrible things about people when we are hurt. They might be hurting too, and by doing this we are causing more harm, not only to other people, but to ourselves and our perspectives and ethics. This is actually one of life's little problems I only recently started thinking about. Maybe I should just call myself a bitch.
Anyhow, I feel like breaking something. Noooo, not my phone. Maybe something like taking up a sledgehammer and hammering the bejesus out of an old building or something. Aarghhh, frustration, anger, irritation (mostly at myself...all of them)
Now I think that on this wonderfully positive note I will rush from this website and go and have a cigarette.
1 comment:
AhMMMMMMMMMM.....
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