Tonight, as I sit here, alone again, I miss my best friend. I wish I could have you with me, I wish I could drown myself in the escape you offer. I wish I wish I wish. But I know, your promises are empty, your price too high. Why did you start controlling my life? Why could I not let you go. And for God's sake, why am I still craving you? Can you not leave me alone. Can you not evaporate like you do when cooked? How long before this process of healing will be done?
To be able to walk into a store, buy as much of you as I can, go and sit somewhere all by myself and drown away all the pain, the loneliness, the tears that are always near the surface but seem to be reluctant to emerge, the emptiness, the screams and anger. How nice that would be. If only there was no tomorrow where the price will have to be paid with guilt and shame. With even more loneliness and pain. If only you were cheaper.
To be able to go into a bar, to just have enough to get the courage to talk to a man, to be "yourself"...without the shame in the morning. But no, you will strip me of all I deem as good. You will rip out my soul, tear me to pieces. You will trample on my heart, you will take my job, my money, my family. You already took my dignity once, and now that I nearly have it back you want it again. You will never rest until I am in the gutters of life, an empty shell who's only solace is in a bottle of cheap wine I'll have to beg.
No, you won't take me. I deserve better. I want more from life, I deserve the best from life. I am worthwile, and you will NEVER take my soul, my life and my dignity again. I will find healthy ways to cope with me.
2 comments:
i'm sure you have enough courage and will to overcome "it"... and you are worthwhile... by the way, i like the new color :)
aww [hugs!!] this is so sad.
it reads like a poem, but if its a poem about what your going through. I wish you courage & strength.
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