A Message to myself

Man, am I a sucker for punishment. Especially if I can dole it out to myself. A bloody martyr, whip in hand, not letting up. For fuck's sake, when will I stop doing this? Will I never learn? Expectations get you nowhere really fast. People lie and are in it for themselves most of the time. And if you don't do it, no one will. So get over it. Let it go. Stop hurting yourself over and over waiting for something that will never happen. Get on with your life. You have more important things to do girl! Get that degree! Go out there, do the job you want to do. Do the work on yourself you want so badly to do! Set boundaries, read books. Enjoy the things you've lost in your year of grief and sadness. You have to be the one to cheer yourself on now. Dad's doing it from heaven, but you have to do it from hear. No one is going to replace him ever. Did you honestly think there is room for a guy in your life at all? You, with all your issues and insecurities? Yes, you've come a long way, but hell, chickie, you've got a long way still to go before you fuck up anyone else with your stuff too. So let it go. You rejected yourself. Face it. You ran. You hid away. And you know why, you know you're not at all ready for the real world. Your heart is still in a million pieces, and you're still being cut every time you put some of it together. So take it easy girl. Be kinder to yourself. Do the next right thing. You know what it is. Take that extra time for yourself to heal the damage done by 42 years of self-hatred and perceived rejection. Do it now. It's the only chance you'll ever get, grab it with both hands. You know you want to. You know you can. You know you are capable of so much more, but you need to take time and patience with yourself and use love and kindness to heal.

Uncomfortably numb

So, here I am again. I don't do this nearly often enough. Emotions just build up and build up until my soul can't take it anymore and I break. I used to journal so often when I was young. I used to do a lot of things when I was young. I didn't hate myself or doubt myself nearly as much as I do now. Or maybe I did, life was just easier because me and all the people around me were on the same road. I find it extremely difficult to write when sober. One of the reasons I don't journal that often. When I read back what I've written I feel like an idiot. But I'm not going to delete this or apologise for my feelings. It's been more than two years since I've written on my blog, and a lot has happened. A lot of scary shit has happened. My dad got really sick in 2013 and spent 2 weeks in ICU on antibiotics which made him very confused. It is a sight I will never forget. It happened in 2011 as well but then I was very new to recovery and I was concentrating so hard on not drinking and getting by day by day that the reality of what was going on at that time didn't hit home. But this time I experienced it in full. And he knew he was close to his time. He walked through the house singing Amazing Grace for that whole year he was spared to us. And then he was gone. And I have never really realised how much he really meant to me. How much he really loved me. I'm so shit scared of love that I couldn't even accept it from my parents. That forever fear of rejection and not being good enough made me always keep a barrier. Regrets? Yes. A lot of them. But a lot of gratitude too. I was sober for 3 years before he died. I got to know him. I got to really spend time with him. And I did get his approval. And dear God, I miss him. He left one of the biggest gaps in my life. But here I am. Still going. I wish this gnawing ache would go away. The longing, the fear, the feeling of being trapped. But for that to happen I have to step up and out. And I am shit scared of putting myself out there. Firstly I have no idea of how to be with people, never mind men. I mean, I've been single my whole life except for drunken one night stands. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Where do you look now? And then my inner voice goes...but who will look at you, find you attractive and love you anyway? You don't deserve it. My inner voice has a biting tongue that spares no emotion. My friends tell me not to be so hard on myself, but it is difficult. Comparing my life's experience with what I'm supposed to be... Oh well, change has to start somewhere, and its uncomfortable as hell. One day at a time. I just hope and pray I don't lose the little bit of courage that I do possess at the moment. T