Note To Self

Man, am I a sucker for punishment. Especially if I can dole it out to myself. A bloody martyr, whip in hand, not letting up. For fuck's sake, when will I stop doing this? Will I never learn? Expectations get you nowhere really fast. People lie and are in it for themselves most of the time. And if you don't do it, no one will. So get over it. Let it go. Stop hurting yourself over and over waiting for something that will never happen. Get on with your life. You have more important things to do girl! Get that degree! Go out there, do the job you want to do. Do the work on yourself you want so badly to do! Set boundaries, read books. Enjoy the things you've lost in your year of grief and sadness. You have to be the one to cheer yourself on now. Dad's doing it from heaven, but you have to do it from here. No one is going to replace him ever. Did you honestly think there is room for a guy in your life at all? You, with all your issues and insecurities? Yes, you've come a long way, but hell, chickie, you've got a long way still to go before you fuck up anyone else with your stuff too. So let it go. You rejected yourself. Face it. You ran. You hid away. And you know why, you know you're not at all ready for the real world. Your heart is still in a million pieces, and you're still being cut every time you put some of it together. So take it easy girl. Be kinder to yourself. Do the next right thing. You know what it is. Take that extra time for yourself to heal the damage done by 42 years of self-hatred and perceived rejection. Do it now. It's the only chance you'll ever get, grab it with both hands. You know you want to. You know you can. You know you are capable of so much more, but you need to take time and patience with yourself and use love and kindness to heal.