From the inside out

I've been overwhelmed with the urge to pen down my thoughts and emotions lately. There is so much going on inside my heart and head that need to get it out. It's amazing. The last time I wrote this much, I was still drinking. And my thoughts and emotions were just as jumbled then. On the one hand I've come really far these couple of years and on the other hand I have not moved an inch. I've been recapping all the things that are dragging me down and I have some idea about it. I've just finished a major part in my step-work. Looking at all my fears, resentments, guilt, et cetera and also what my part was in it. How I contributed to the whole situation. And it is very interesting to see how my childhood behaviour took over in alcoholism. I lied when I was scared, which was almost all the time. And almost everything was based on lies. My guilt is based on fear, lies and selfishness. My low self-esteem is based on fear and lies. Oh fuck man, the list goes on. I was standing outside just now, having a cigarette, thinking about perception and reality. My perception and the reality are so far apart its really not funny. Thank God I've developed some sense to see it. This stems all the way from when I was small. I felt so unloved and unwanted. God knows why, because I was showered in love and my parents and siblings really did all they could for me. I was just a selfish little brat at times. I really don't know what happened to make me so scared of people and of the world. And to give me that feeling that all the problems and everyone's burdens are my fault. But I've been carrying that around since I can remember. I really don't know why I always felt so fat and ugly. And unwanted. I was just shy and introverted. And a daydreamer. My friends were books. But I did well in swimming and in school. But that feeling of not being good enough has also followed me into adulthood. For 5 years I drank this away by being constantly drunk and shoving my fist and my middle finger at the world and everyone in it. I was rage. I was hate. I was self-pity and self-loathing. I wanted to die. But also not. And then for 5 years I put pieces of my life back together again and became a functioning person again. I do believe that things happen in the time that they are supposed to happen. If I had to take this journey earlier, I doubt that I would have been strong enough to deal with all the emotions that came loose from admitting to myself, my Higher Power and another person the exact nature of my wrongs. It shook loose the foundation of why I clung on to alcohol as a crutch. I now have alternatives. And this is not scaring me. This is freeing me. Wow. I realise that that little girl that is so hurt and fragile still needs a lot of nurturing and looking after. But I'll be ok, I'll be able to do it, as long as I keep on this road of recovery that I am on now. As long as I keep on hanging out with the people that I am hanging out now. As long as I stay grateful for that what I do have, and weary for that which wants to kill me. Yes, I'll be an emotional mess for a long time to be. But I'll be an OK one. I'm healing. One day at a time