Treading Softly Towards The Light

So, all this crap I’m going through at the moment is a learning curve. I’m getting in touch with parts of myself that I used to hide away from and used to run away from. And now I have the option to look at it and say OK, so what am going to do about it? It is not easy, and it is not comfortable at all. It freaks me out on all levels. All my crappy behaviour seems to have come out all at once. The constant need for approval, the craving for attention, that I push away anyway, the empty loneliness, the falling for people just because they are nice to me, because that’s what I do to avoid me, to take my focus off what is really going on. So when I don’t get what I so-called “want”, I have something or someone to blame. Usually myself for not being good/pretty/thin/friendly/nice/you name it enough. Truth is, that doesn’t really work for me anymore. Pretending to go back to default of being angry at the world and shaking my fist is all good for an hour or so, but I can’t live it anymore. I need more. I need peace with me. And I can only get that if I work through this. And I can only work through this if I acknowledge it and look at it honestly and say to it ok, its here, its part of me and I can work on it, one day at a time, step by step. As long as I don’t get caught up in the trappings of everyday life and ignore the importance of being me and just keep moving, and not stand still. I make life extra difficult for myself by placing too high expectations on me. I cannot be everything and I surely cannot do everything. But I can be better than I was yesterday. And I’m not alone. And I do have people that I can rely on. And this one gets me, every single time... asking for help... Dear God, I have the most difficult time admitting I can’t do something by myself. For fuck’s sake, I’m human!! But apparantly I expect me to be a super hero! And admitting my vulnerability is another no-no. As if I cannot show the world that I’m made of flesh and bone and stitched together by flaws and insecurities. Fear is one hell of a motivator isn’t it? It made me build a really strong wall. And all these words I have just typed and posting on Facebook, I cannot say out loud. Fear.... My glue. I just beg for strength and courage to keep going forward, ever further from hell.