From The Inside Out

Today was tough. If ever I have wanted to be swallowed and dissappear without a trace it was today. It started with something so small as not being able to remove a door from it’s hinges. Then I fell apart. If Dad was still here, I wouldn’t have had to do that on my own. If dad was still here, we wouldn’t have so much hassles with the plumbers coming out. If dad was still here, the gate would have been fixed months ago. If dad was still here, mom wouldn’t be so lonely. If dad was still here, I wouldn’t have to do so much of the stuff around the house that he used to do. And then I broke down and cried for hours. Sad thing is, I’m heartbroken today. Worst thing is, I can’t get the guts together to just ask someone to come and help me. I’m so used to being second or last on everyones’ lists that I don’t even bother anymore. And it hurts. And this is exactly how I’m not supposed to think. But I do. And I feel like this. So, besides from missing my father with everything I have, I’m lost in this sea of insecurity and being unsure about almost everything and everyone. It literally feels like someone has their fist around my heart. And there is no escape. The easy way out is not an option. No booze, pills or minora blade will give me permanent relief from this. It will only add guilt in the end. It seems I cannot save myself. And no one else will either.