God, I am so sick of all this, especially myself. Why, oh why, can I not just let go. When people fuck you around, you throw them out of your life, no, not me, I give them chance after chance after chance. What on earth is it with me, I've always been like this. This fucking stupid sense that if you keep on trying things will get fixed. Maybe other people don't want to fix them, but for fuck's sakes, I do!! I want closure, I want peace, I want stability.
Another thing about me that seriously pisses me off is this whole survival mission. Can't I just give it all up, go out, get horrendously drunk, shag some stranger who I'll never want to see again, commit suicide, end it all...noooooo, I have to have this fucking instinct for survival. Knowing that when I drink again, it will end up in my death (even if only emotionally), I can't get myself to do it. I can't get myself to take that overdose, buy the minora blades. It clashes with all I am. I hate it. Can't it just get easier. Fuck man, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.
Ok, ok, a bit melodramatic, but still, this is what I feel like right now. It seems I'm just living, and struggling everyday to keep my head above water to keep from drowning, but I carry on.
Now there is a theory that states that the above has to do with hope. I would really appreciate it if someone could let me know what the fuck I am hoping for. I don't know. I just hate myself at this moment. I keep on lashing out to people who hurt me, using trusty old sarcasm as a defence mechanism (hahaha - not working). I want my walls that surrounded my feelings and kept people out back. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I don't want my life anymore....
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