Double-edged sword

Frustrated and lonely, but not alone
She sits and smokes and wonders...
Where is he? What is he doing? Is he thinking of her, or someone else?
Does he care or is she just a distraction?
Would he stay out of reach forever or be close enough one day to hold?
She doesn't know, she misses him, thinks of him, wants him.

She dreams of him, can feel him touching her, kissing her.
Her bed has space for him. She is infatuated, intoxicated by the idea of him.

She tries to break free of these feelings, can't, she knows she'll be good for him.
All she wants is for him to care, but she doubts he ever will.

Does he notice her as a woman? A being needing care and love? A being not to be used as a toy?
She thinks not.

She still sits there, lights another cigarette, imagines him there.
Will she ever tell him? She is scared.

She sees signs, wonders if they're real. Did she imagine? Is he playing games?
Maybe if she asks she'll know.
She did.
He didn't answer.
She still wonders, even more scared now.

What if the next one is the same.
Should she get close again.
She thinks not, they never tell the truth, they lie, they steal your heart, your dignity.
They bring you pain and fear. Ever presiding fear.
She wants to hate him. Can't. Not allowed to love him.
What now?