With the dreaded St. Val's day creeping up on me, the love side of life is looking dreadfully bleak. I don't know what is wrong with me. Do I just generally fall in love with people who are completeley unattainable, or am I so undesirable that no one wants me. Is it so wrong to want to be loved and cherished? Apparently. I'm so sick of it all. This whole cycle of being used by people, and every now and again, when you just might need them, behold, they are not available. No sirree, you are not a priority, you never were, and I doubt that I ever will be.
So fuck it, then people are shocked if I wonder if life is worthwile. How dare I question it all!! I have to look around and see all the great blessings I have in my life. Yeah, I do see them, I appreciate them, but God knows, they don't fill the loneliness.
I probably fuck up my own life. I mean, for crying out loud, who will want to end up with someone who thinks like me. Someone who ACTUALLY cares. I've been feeling like this for a long time now. I used to drink it away, but can't anymore. Now I'm considering cutting myself, but realised it is just another addiction. So now what. Don't know which way to go.
Thank goodness not everyday feels like this, but pretty much the majority. The looming question is really just what on earth is wrong with me. Why can I not also find the happiness I want. I must be one ugly, fat and screwed up wench. It has not been proven elsewise, so maybe, for now, I'll stick with this explanation. Why not just throw in stupid as well for good measure!!
Maybe pouring my heart out will get the negativity out, but I don't know. Frankly, sometimes I think I don't even care, but that is not at all true.
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