One of the people in AA always stresses that the one thing she is most grateful for in her sobriety is having feelings again. I'm not too sure about that one for myself. I feel like I was much safer when I was still hiding them away. They cause me too much pain and confusion. I have no idea what to do with it. Its a freaky place to be, and I can't share it with anyone, since the majority of people immediately assume I will go out drinking again and then I am watched like a hawk. I hope this gets easier as time goes by.
The honesty thing also freaks me out, especially if its one-sided. I have this really nice "friend" who wanted me to be honest with him, so I was, spilling my guts about my life, my ups and downs, my emotions. He never shared. I accidently fell in love with the fucker, just to make my life sooooo much easier, and yes, you guessed, nothing. I was thinking about this whole scenario tonight, and I think he is manipulating this whole thing. I mean, here you have someone who absolutely adores you, who shares everything and all you do is sit there. Ain't life grand. Men are such bastards. And its their own fault we think so. If they want us to be honest, they should be too, and no sugar coating of the truth. I want to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, no frilly, disguised words so as not to hurt us. In the end that causes more harm than good.
I feel like screaming "what the fuck is up with this whole life thing anyway!!!". But no, you must not think of suicide. Why the hell not??? Its a sure as hell better option than living sometimes.
Anyway, this is getting way too morbid, even for my liking.
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